


You're magic (even if it's just pretend)

by HopeSilverheart



Series: Loving Em at 2AM [37]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: (but he'll get a redemption arc eventually), Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Cheating, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Getting Together, Girls in Love, Miscommunication, Mutual Pining, Oblivious Jocelyn Fairchild, Pining, Pre-Canon, Robert Lightwood Being an Asshole, Secret Relationship, Valentine Morgenstern Being an Asshole, Weddings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-24
Updated: 2020-07-18
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:27:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 32,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24885334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HopeSilverheart/pseuds/HopeSilverheart
Summary: By the time Valentine got down on one knee in front of her, a sparkling ring propped up neatly in his hands, she still hadn’t come up with an answer to the many questions swirling inside her mind.She said yes because it was the right thing to do.And yet, it felt a little bit like she was breaking her own heart, especially when her gaze landed on Maryse, who was smiling at her softly whilst tears rolled down her cheeks, dripping onto her beautiful lips.Or: Maryse and Jocelyn pine after each other for a very long time before they manage to figure things out.
Relationships: Jocelyn Fairchild/Maryse Lightwood, Jocelyn Fairchild/Valentine Morgenstern, Maryse Lightwood/Robert Lightwood
Series: Loving Em at 2AM [37]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1764400
Comments: 12
Kudos: 11





	1. Jocelyn

**Author's Note:**

  * For [thatnerdemryn](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatnerdemryn/gifts).



> Heya guys! I have no idea how long this fic is going to be yet, but it'll probably settle somewhere between 5 and 10 chapters. This fic was written in relation to two one-shots I've already put up, so feel free to check those out to see what happens before and after this full-length story (: I hope you all (and especially Em) enjoy this pining prequel ^^

Jocelyn had always known she would have to leave the Academy eventually. School and training had only been the beginning of her career as a shadowhunter; it was now time for her classmates and her to be sent out on the field, to kill demons and make sure peace was maintained within the Shadow World.

It was what she had been looking forward to for years, and she should have been delighted at the thought of finally getting away from the prison she had been forced into as soon as she had been old enough to bear runes. Her friends in the Circle, and especially Valentine, had even decided to celebrate their freedom with one last evening strolling through the streets of Alicante. After all, there was no telling where they would be sent once the Clave assigned them to different Institutes.

So, Jocelyn should have been happy. No, she should have been _ecstatic_. And yet, as her friends drank and laughed about the few years they had spent together, learning how to be their best selves, all Jocelyn felt was an aching emptiness.

She wanted to believe it was because she hadn’t quite found her place in their world, a place she would only find once she had been sent off to wherever the Clave needed her. She wanted to believe it, but she knew it was far from the truth.

The truth – the one she kept buried deep within – was that the hole in her heart was perfectly Maryse Trueblood-shaped. Her best friend had opted out of their evening of partying, claiming that someone needed to keep an eye on their professors, and her absence hit Jocelyn harder than she could have ever anticipated.

She had plenty of friends around, plenty of people to keep her company, but none of them would ever be able to compete with Maryse. And as Jocelyn drowned her sorrows and miserable emotions in glass after glass of cocktails, she couldn’t help but wonder if she was missing something.

Couldn’t help but wonder if, somewhere along the line, something had happened between Maryse and her that she hadn’t quite grasped. Because why else would her best friend have left her alone with a group of people Jocelyn barely tolerated on a good day? Why else would the brunette have started avoiding Jocelyn like she was the plague?

Why else would the distance between them feel larger than ever, even though they were almost guaranteed to get sent to the same Institute?

“Someone looks happy.”

Valentine’s smooth voice had once been a balm to Jocelyn’s frayed nerves, but now all it did was make her mind grind to a screeching halt. It was ridiculous; Valentine was their leader, the revolutionary boy who had taken their ideas and turned them into something bigger. Once upon a time, Jocelyn had thought he would take them into a new world, one where peace reigned supreme and shadowhunters upheld the law no matter what.

Her future had seemed so bright back then, but now the Circle felt like a trap and Jocelyn had no idea how to get out of it. She should have listened to Maryse all along, should have known her best friend knew better than her.

She should never have let herself get pulled into Valentine’s web of lies and charms, no matter how sweet the end result might have seemed at the time. She should have listened to her instincts, should have listened to the people she trusted, should have been _smarter_.

Instead she found herself stuck in an organisation that knew more about her than she cared to admit and had the power to ruin her life with a single snap of Valentine’s fingers. The Academy was over and she would be expected to follow the man’s orders, and Jocelyn had never been more terrified.

Terrified for herself but more than anything, terrified for Maryse.

Her best friend was stronger than her in many ways, but she also had moral values that Jocelyn had never been able to understand. Maryse had hated Valentine from the very first day and had only let herself be recruited because of Jocelyn. And now she would have to betray the Clave, the law she loved so much, as well as herself, all to make sure she stayed alive.

Deep down, Jocelyn wondered if Maryse hated her for it.

(Deep down, she wanted Maryse to hate her for it. After all, hatred was a lot easier to deal with than whatever was going on between the two women.)

“Jocelyn?”

The redhead’s gaze snapped back up to Valentine as she hummed noncommittally. The man had probably been talking to himself for the past five minutes, given how much he liked hearing his own voice. However, Jocelyn knew how dangerous it could be not to pay attention to Valentine’s words. It meant reprimands and punishments and sharp insults meant to humiliate whoever had dared ignore him.

Jocelyn had only been on the wrong side of his barbs once, and it had already been more than enough.

“You’ve been distracted all evening,” Valentine sighed heavily, his gaze softening as he looked at Jocelyn. Inside her, her common sense warred with her instincts.

Valentine always seemed so kind. He talked to them like they all mattered and never made them feel like they were worth less than the others. He smiled and laughed and acted just like the rest of them, and it made Jocelyn’s instincts go haywire. How could such a bright man be anything other than pure and kind? How could his intentions be anything other than _good_?

Her common sense, however, knew better. She had seen the way Valentine treated people when he thought no one was looking, and she had seen the darkness in his eyes when he punished his ‘inferiors’. She couldn’t trust someone who looked like that, no matter how enchanting they were once Jocelyn found herself face to face with him.

“I’m just thinking about the future,” she answered after a few seconds of silence, knowing that not responding wasn’t an option. “A lot is going to happen in the next few weeks and I’m just not sure I’m ready for it yet. I want to be, I really do, but there are a lot of things to deal with, and I’m not sure I’ll be able to handle any of them.”

“You underestimate yourself, Joce,” Valentine tutted softly. The nickname had always sounded wrong when it slipped past his lips, but Jocelyn had never been brave enough to correct him. “You’re an incredible fighter and an even better artist; everyone knows exactly where you’re going to end up, just as they know where I’m going to be positioned.”

Jocelyn’s gaze strayed to the small bar’s front door, beyond which lay Alicante, Idris’ capital – and only – city. Jocelyn had lived there her entire life, her parents only occasionally taking her on trips to other Institutes, and she should have been delighted at the thought of staying.

Alicante shadowhunters were the best of the best. They were sent there straight for the Academy and went through months of rigorous training in order to become even more efficient than other Nephilim. As a child, Jocelyn had heard tales about the Alicante Institute and its extraordinary shadowhunters. Hell, her own parents had been trained there and had worked there for over a decade before leaving the field.

Alicante Nephilim were legends, and Jocelyn had once wanted to be just like them. Now, all she could think about when she pictured the beautiful Institute was a prison, another place in which Jocelyn would be treated like a toy by Valentine and a soldier by the Clave. The mere thought of spending her life there made her nauseous and, not for the first time, she wished Maryse had come out with her that night.

At least her best friend understood what she was going through. Yes, Jocelyn might have gotten a few ‘I told you so’s if Maryse had come along, but she would have taken the brunette’s blunt sarcasm over Valentine any day.

“Thank you,” she replied instead, not letting any of her fears or disgust show on her face. Circle members had been taught that masks were a necessity, and Jocelyn had taken those lessons to heart. The only person who got to see the real Jocelyn underneath it all was Maryse.

It was always Maryse.

“I can’t wait for our future together, Jocelyn,” Valentine grinned. The smile set Jocelyn on edge more than ever, because she knew exactly what the hidden meaning behind his words were.

She had heard the whispers, both from her classmates and from her parents, and knew what would be expected of her. Shadowhunters died young, her parents had told her just a few months ago, but they still had a duty to create a new generation of Nephilim to be trained and honed into warriors. Jocelyn had understood the implication back then, and she understood it now.

Shadowhunters died young, so they married young. It was only a matter of time before Valentine proposed, taking his most prized subordinate and turning her into the perfect wife and child-bearer. Jocelyn hadn’t seen it coming when she had first joined the Circle, but that had been over three years ago.

Marriage had been on her mind for at least a year and a half now, if not more. The strange thing was that not _once_ had she thought about love. She hadn’t even considered asking someone to marry her because she loved them. After all, she only truly cared about one person in this world, and she wasn’t in love with her.

Even if she had been, the two of them could never have gotten married. Their parents wouldn’t have allowed it, the Clave wouldn’t have allowed it and, more importantly, _Jocelyn_ wouldn’t have allowed it. Not even in the hopes of recreating the pure joy that had soared through her heart when she had received her first kiss.

(It hadn’t meant anything. Not for Maryse, not for her, not for anyone.)

It had been a mistake, a childish action they had never talked about again, and Jocelyn refused to let it influence her future. She had a family to think about and a duty to uphold.

If that meant marrying Valentine, then so be it. She would hate herself and her husband for the rest of her life, but at least she would have children to look after. And if all went well, her husband would soon have so much influence within the Clave that she would only have to fight for a few years at most.

The words that slipped past her lips next tasted like poison and sounded like nails on a blackboard, but Jocelyn didn’t regret them. She _couldn’t_ regret them, not when they were her best hope at a good, secure future.

“I can’t wait for our future either, Val,” she smiled as genuinely as possible, not even flinching when the man curled his fingers around hers and squeezed them tightly. “We’re going to do so many great things, aren’t we?”

“That we are,” Valentine smirked. “The Clave won’t know what hit them, and neither will the Downworld. We’re going to rule over everyone, Jocelyn, and we’ll be unstoppable. With you by my side, there’s nothing I won’t be able to accomplish. You’re the key to it all, Joce. You’re the one who’s going to make it all possible.”

She had no idea what he was talking about, but she nodded anyways. She was the woman here, she was the one who had to bow down to her future husband’s wishes and accept his word as gospel. Her heart roared at her to stand her ground, to not let herself be pushed around by someone as slimy and dishonest as Valentine Morgenstern, but her mind was stronger.

This was for the best. It was all for the best.

“Anything for you, Valentine.”

Her leader smiled, caressing her cheek lightly and pressing a kiss to her forehead. It wasn’t the first time he did such a thing, but the sensation still made Jocelyn want to back away.

She didn’t, of course. Instead, she smiled right back at the man who held her life and future in his hands and leaned into his touch.

At the back of her mind, Maryse’s voice screamed at her to stop, to come back to her and forget about the man who had already ruined their lives once. It tore at Jocelyn’s heart, begged her to turn away and stop accepting Valentine’s touches like they didn’t make her skin crawl.

She ignored it, just as she had been ignoring it for the past two years.

Maryse had always been her weakness, and she couldn’t allow her to keep controlling her life even when they weren’t together. Her best friend mattered to her, but nothing was as important as the future she was trying to build with Valentine. The future she was trying to build with a _man_.

Or at least, that’s what she told herself.

* * *

The first rays of sunshine filtered through the Academy’s windows as Jocelyn made her way to her dorm room as quietly as possible. The other Circle members were probably already in bed by now, but Valentine had wanted to talk to her in private again, and Jocelyn knew an order when she heard one.

Their conversation had been as useless as always, just another excuse for the man to prattle on about his grand plans and tell Jocelyn that she wouldn’t regret her choice to be with him forever. Still, the redhead had smiled through it all and even pressed her lips to his cheek before they went their separate ways. She had hated herself for it, but Valentine had looked at her approvingly, and she knew it had been the right thing to do.

However, Valentine had talked for so long that Jocelyn only had a few hours left before she had to be up and getting ready for graduation. Their professors wouldn’t accept tardiness, especially not on one of the most important days of their career. Their Institute assignments would be announced during the ceremony and Jocelyn couldn’t afford to miss those.

She also couldn’t afford to miss what was going to happen afterwards. She shut her eyes tightly as images of Valentine on one knee assaulted her mind. The man had made it very clear that he intended on proposing, and Jocelyn knew him well enough to know he would want the event to be as public as possible. He would do it in front of all their friends, and she would have to squeal delightedly, would have to act like it was as much a shock to her as it would be to everyone else.

And she would have to do it all in front of Maryse. Maryse, who would probably smile and congratulate them only to shake her head at Jocelyn as soon as Valentine looked away. Maryse, who had always wanted the best for Jocelyn but didn’t understand why this was the only thing the redhead could do. Maryse, who had been dragged into the Circle because of Jocelyn and would now have to deal with Valentine at family dinners for the same reason. Maryse, who was…

Sitting on her bed?

“What the hell are you doing here?” Jocelyn hissed under her breath, shutting her bedroom door, and narrowing her eyes at her best friend. “Maryse, you know we’re not supposed to sneak around at night.”

As soon as the words left her mouth, Jocelyn knew she had screwed up. She grimaced and looked away from her best friend, wondering if there was even a slight chance that Maryse had missed her ridiculous statement. The odds weren’t in her favour, but if her best friend was tired enough…

“I’m not the one who should be worrying about getting caught sneaking out,” Maryse huffed, rolling her eyes at Jocelyn. “Or sneaking back in, to be more precise. Besides, as far as the professors are concerned, I’ve been in my own dorm this entire time. Now, care to tell me what kept you out and busy until _five_ in the morning?”

“Maryse…”

“Don’t do that,” the brunette grit her teeth. “Don’t try to play innocent and tell me that everything is okay. I know you’re alright, Joce, that’s not the problem. The problem is that we’re graduating in less than four hours and you spent the entire night out partying with our lovely Circle friends. If I’m right – and we both know I am – you even got plenty of one-on-one time with our charming leader. Now, let’s try this again; what kept you out so late?”

“Valentine wanted to speak to me in private.”

Spoken out loud, the thought sounded even worse. Valentine never talked to anyone in private except if it was to punish them, and Maryse knew Jocelyn hadn’t done anything worth punishing. Which meant she probably also knew what Valentine had wanted to talk to her about.

It shouldn’t have mattered. In fact, Jocelyn should have been relieved that Maryse wouldn’t find out at the same time as everyone else. Instead, all she felt was cold dread. Only one person in the world could make her change her mind about Valentine, and she was sitting in front of Jocelyn right then. A few words, a few pleas, and Jocelyn would inevitably cave, because that was how things worked between the two best friends.

“I see.”

Jocelyn waited for the rest to come, but Maryse stayed silent. The brunette was looking at Jocelyn sadly, and she had no idea what to do with that. She had been ready for anger, for tears, for insults and warnings and harshly spoken words. She had been dreading this moment, but a part of her had been hoping for Maryse to talk her out of this plan.

A part of her had wanted her best friend to make her rethink her decision and to tell her that marrying Valentine was a terrible idea.

“ _I see_?” She exclaimed, trying to get a rise out of Maryse; anything to get rid of this uncomfortable silence. “That’s the only thing you have to say about all of this? You know what talking in private means, don’t you? You know what this means for my future and, in a way, yours, right?”

“Of course I know what this means,” Maryse shrugged, looking down at her lap. She was fiddling with something, a piece of jewellery that Jocelyn had never seen before, but she hid it back into her pocket before the redhead could ask about it. “I’m not an idiot, Joce. I’ve seen the way Valentine looks at you, and I’ve seen the way you look at him. It was only a matter of time before he took you aside and asked you to become his bride.”

“He hasn’t-” Jocelyn started, clearing her throat when her words came out hoarse and broken. “He hasn’t actually asked me yet. We discussed our future and mentioned plans for the coming year, but he hasn’t proposed, if that’s what you think happened. I think he’s going to-”

“Do it publicly,” Maryse finished for her, nodding slowly. “That makes sense. Our wonderful leader is nothing if not full of himself. I hope you know what you’re getting yourself into with that one, Jocelyn, because you may not have the opportunity to leave him once the two of you have tied the knot.”

Jocelyn frowned, hearing the barely restrained frustration behind her best friend’s words. It was clear to her that Maryse didn’t approve of the match; she never had, and she probably never would. What she didn’t understand was why Maryse wasn’t being more obvious about it. It was very unlike the brunette to be subtle, and Jocelyn wondered what was different this time.

She had never been afraid to criticise Jocelyn before, so what had changed? And more importantly, how was Jocelyn going to change it back?

She wanted to ask her best friend about it, but something told her that that line of questioning wouldn’t lead anywhere. Instead, she pressed her lips together and focused on the second part of Maryse’s statement.

“Why on earth would I want to leave him?”

A bitter laugh slipped past Maryse’s lips and Jocelyn was, once again, left under the impression that she was missing something. Maryse had been acting strangely for months, and she had clearly hit rock bottom with whatever crisis was going on inside her head.

“What is going on with you, Maryse? First you say you’re okay with this wedding, and then you-”

“Don’t twist my words as you please, Jocelyn,” Maryse snapped. “I never said I was okay with this wedding. In fact, I think I’ve made it perfectly clear over the last two years that I think a relationship between you and Valentine is a terrible idea. However, I know you better than you know yourself. You won’t back out of this union now that Valentine brought it up, just like you won’t refuse your appointment at the Alicante Institute even though you’ll hate it there.”

“So you don’t think I should marry him?”

“No, Joce, I don’t,” Maryse confirmed softly, her hands clenching inside her pocket. Whatever the piece of jewellery was, it had to be rather important. “I think marrying Valentine is going to be the biggest mistake you’ll ever make. But I also think my opinion doesn’t matter to you as much as it used to, especially not when it comes to your future.”

The words hit Jocelyn harder than she had expected they would. They hurt even more since Jocelyn knew there was nothing she could say to make things better. Not unless she lied to Maryse, which was something she had promised herself she would never do. No matter how painful the truth was, at least it wasn’t an illusion that could shatter at any given moment.

At least this way, they both knew where they stood in relation to each other. Still, she couldn’t accept Maryse’s words without a fight or an explanation. They had been best friends for over 16 years, had learned to run and fight and live together, and Jocelyn wasn’t about to accept anything less than the full truth coming from Maryse.

Their friendship was changing, and Jocelyn just wanted to know _why_. She wanted to know when things had started transforming and how she could have missed that moment. More than anything, she wanted to know if she would still have a best friend after her wedding.

Maybe that would change her mind. That and nothing else. And even then, Jocelyn knew she would have to think about it.

Perhaps that’s what had changed about them: their priorities. Once upon a time, Maryse had been first in Jocelyn’s heart. She had been the first person Jocelyn talked to about her problems and the first person to reassure her when things went wrong. She had been the person Jocelyn trusted the most, and the only person she would ever break the law for. They had listened to each other and understood each other, and Jocelyn knew that wasn’t the case anymore.

“I still love you,” she murmured softly, her eyes begging Maryse to understand what she was going through. “You’re still my best friend and you always will be, as long as you still want that. But Maryse, I have a future to think about, and there’s nothing I can do to stop this wedding. I’m not in love with him, but he can give me children and a better life. Hell, he might even end up giving me happiness. Can you think of a single thing or a single person that could give me that?”

“I thought I could,” Maryse whispered, her voice so quiet that Jocelyn almost missed her words. “But maybe not. I thought I could come up with a plan for the future that would please us both, but I think our ideas of what’s good for us aren’t as similar as I thought they were. If you want to marry Valentine, go ahead. I won’t leave you behind, if that’s what you thought. You’re still my best friend, even though you do the stupidest things sometimes, and you’ll still be my best friend even when I start hating your husband.”

“But _why_ do you hate him so much?” Jocelyn murmured, stepping closer to Maryse and resting her hands on her best friend’s shoulders. “I mean, I don’t love him and I think he’s a little too intense most of the time, but I’m sure things will be better now that we have control over our own lives. Besides, everyone always says that marriage mellows people out. Everything will be fine, and I’m sure you’ll find someone just as well-suited to your needs as I did.”

“You may be right,” Maryse whispered. “But you may be wrong, and that’s not the kind of risk I would have been willing to take. I’ll find someone who doesn’t make me completely miserable, but don’t you dare assume that I will ever be happy with the husband my parents will undoubtedly choose for me in the coming months. And don’t you dare complain about the man they settle on, because at least I didn’t _willingly_ step into a terrible marriage.”

“You can’t know that-”

“But I can!” Maryse finally yelled, clearly not giving a damn about who might be able to hear them. “He’s a psychopath, Jocelyn, and he’ll never change. Some people never do, and there’s nothing we can do about it. I admire your positivity and your willingness to see the best in everyone else, but this time it’ll be your downfall. I just hope you’ll realise there are other solutions before it’s too late.”

Jocelyn wanted to ask what other solutions Maryse was talking about, but she was still as cowardly as she had always been. She knew those solutions would be a lot harder than the one she had selected, and she didn’t want her best friend to judge her when Jocelyn _still_ chose Valentine. She had made up her mind a long time ago, and she should have known not even Maryse would be able to change things this time, no matter how sad and heartbroken her best friend looked.

Maryse meant well, but she wasn’t in Jocelyn’s mind. She couldn’t see all the dark demons and fears and insecurities that swam behind her eyes all the time. She couldn’t imagine how hard it was for Jocelyn to say yes to a man who could get rid of her silently if he ever desired to do so. She couldn’t _know_ what is was like.

She couldn’t because if she did, she would understand. Right?

Maryse shook her head slowly, gazing at Jocelyn with melancholy written all over her features. In one fluid movement, she was on her feet and clutching Jocelyn’s shoulders tightly, leaning forward until their foreheads were pressed together comfortingly. Whether the gesture was for herself or for Jocelyn remained a mystery.

Maybe it was a bit of both.

“You should get ready for graduation,” the brunette murmured, her breath ghosting against Jocelyn’s lips and sending shivers down the redhead’s spine. “We only have an hour and a half left before the professors come around to collect us. And remember, Jocelyn, I will always love you, no matter what you do today.”

With that, Maryse pressed a fleeting kiss to Jocelyn’s cheek. The gesture felt meaningful in a way that Jocelyn couldn’t quite grasp, but her best friend was out of the room before she could even think of asking about it.

She was left there to think about the beginning of her life and every moment that had lead up to this graduation and the proposal that was about to occur. She was left there with nothing but her thoughts, and those had always been dangerous things. Her mind worked harder than ever during the two hours it took for her to get ready, and then for another two hours as her classmates spoke and her parents congratulated her for her success.

She thought, and thought, and thought again, trying to decipher the hidden meaning behind Maryse’s every gesture and action.

By the time Valentine got down on one knee in front of her, a sparkling ring propped up neatly in his hands, she still hadn’t come up with an answer to the many questions swirling inside her mind.

She said yes because it was the right thing to do.

And yet, it felt a little bit like she was breaking her own heart, especially when her gaze landed on Maryse, who was smiling at her softly whilst tears rolled down her cheeks, dripping from her beautiful lips.

It was the right thing to do, but Jocelyn had never felt more uncertain about anything in her life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed <3
> 
> Love, Junie.


	2. Maryse

Maryse had always loved gold.

Gold was the colour of love and hope; it was the colour of new beginnings and of her childhood bedroom walls. It was the colour of the sunsets she had watched from the Academy roof every morning for years, and the colour of the fairy lights she had put up in the old cabin in the woods.

It was the colour of the promise ring she had chosen for Jocelyn. The same ring that weighed heavily in her purse as she took a seat between two strangers and pretended her heart wasn’t about to break.

She had always loved gold but, as she watched Jocelyn walk down the aisle towards Valentine on her father’s arm, she didn’t think she ever would again.

Her best friend looked as beautiful as ever, draped in a gown of glittering gold, flowers tangled artfully in her hair and wrapped elegantly around her arms. She was a vision, an angel placed on earth for mere humans to admire, and Maryse had never loved anyone more. Jocelyn Fairchild always shone brighter than everyone else but dressed as she was, she could have rivalled with the sun itself.

“The bride looks beautiful, doesn’t she?” The person next to her whispered, smiling at Maryse conspiratorially as though they were sharing some deep secret.

“She does,” Maryse answered, forcing a smile onto her face. She hadn’t been allowed to sit with Jocelyn’s family and close friends, her own parents claiming that it would be better for her to distance herself from the Morgensterns. At least that was one thing they could all agree on.

Unfortunately, Jocelyn would never be a Morgenstern in her heart, and nothing would keep Maryse away from her best friend. Not her parents, and certainly not the husband they had chosen for her. If any of them thought they could separate the two best friends, they were dreaming.

Jocelyn was stubborn, but Maryse could be deadly when people threatened to take her away from those she loved. Thankfully for the rest of the world, she only really cared about Jocelyn, at least for now.

However, as painful as it had been to take a seat with the rest of the crowd filled with Clave representatives and family members from both sides that Maryse had never met, she had to admit that it would have been even harder to sit so close to Jocelyn. The back of the room was already too close for Maryse’s tastes, so she couldn’t begin to imagine how much she would have suffered had she decided to sit at the front.

Still, distance or not, the ceremony was torture. As she watched her best friend exchange vows and runes with the man who had ruined them both in the first place, she felt tears well up in her eyes. She knew her wedding neighbours and friends would pass them off as tears of joy, but Maryse knew better.

She knew what tears of bitterness and regret felt like, and they had never felt as appropriate as they did when the rune on Jocelyn’s heart was completed and the newly married couple turned to face them with wide smiles curling at their lips. They looked ecstatic, and Maryse felt sick.

When Jocelyn walked past her and waved her wedding ring in Maryse’s face before stepping out of the room, it took all the brunette’s self-control not to jump up and tear it off her hand. Instead, she clenched her fingers into tight fists and let her nails dig into her palms, grounding her thoughts and momentarily making her forget about the metaphorical pain in her heart.

She was the last one out of the room, not eager to step into the reception venue and have to mingle with Circle members and old traditionalists alike. Maryse didn’t fit in with anyone these days, hadn’t fit in ever since Jocelyn had decided that a life of lies and perfect illusions was enough.

She hated Jocelyn for choosing Valentine as her husband but, more than anything, she hated her for forgetting how important their friendship was. She hated her for being such an amazing person, someone who cared about everyone, but who was also too oblivious to realise that what Maryse and her had shared was so much more than what she believed.

Maryse hated Jocelyn, not because there was anything wrong with the redhead, but because there was too much _right_ about her. Jocelyn was the perfect woman, and Maryse had jealously wanted to keep her to herself. Now that wasn’t possible, and she was left with nothing but a crumbling friendship, a membership to a club she had never wanted to be a part of, and the shattered pieces of her heart.

What a wonderful hand the universe had dealt her.

She regretted stepping into the reception room as soon as a hand darted out and grabbed her waist possessively. She didn’t even have to turn around to know who it belonged to, and it took everything in her not to push the man away. His touch made her skin crawl, but she had a duty to fulfil. She had given herself one chance to forge her own future, and she had failed.

This future wasn’t ideal, but it was better than a life of loneliness.

“Robert,” she breathed out, turning towards the man and smiling at him as genuinely as she could. “I didn’t see you during the ceremony. Have you had a chance to talk to the happy couple yet?”

“I have,” Robert grinned. “Val was delighted by the turn of events, obviously. I mean, I can’t think of a single woman who can surpass Jocelyn in natural beauty and talent. No offence to you, of course, but Jocelyn is something else. It only makes sense for Valentine to have chosen her; after all, every king needs a kind and strong queen to rule by his side.”

Maryse hummed noncommittally, following Robert’s gaze and staring at the happy couple from a distance. Jocelyn looked just as radiant as she had twenty minutes earlier when she had vowed to love Valentine forever. Maryse couldn’t have loved that monster for a second, but to each their own.

“Quite the wedding, wasn’t it?” Robert murmured, glancing at Maryse out of the corner of his eye. “Although I couldn’t help but notice that you weren’t at Jocelyn’s side for the ceremony. Any reason behind that, or were you just jealous?”

Maryse’s heart sped up at the implications hiding beneath Robert’s statement. Had he noticed the lingering glances Maryse sent Jocelyn when she thought no one was looking? Had he realised she had never loved a man before, that she was only pretending for the rest of the world? Had he figured out how much she couldn’t stand to be in the same room as Valentine when he was holding Jocelyn’s hand like that?

And then it hit her.

“Jealous of Jocelyn?” Her eyebrows flew up and she had to stop herself from snorting out loud. In a way, it made sense for Robert to believe such a thing.

Almost every woman at the Academy had wanted to date Valentine. He was charming, skilled, relatively handsome, and had grand plans for the future that had swept even people as smart as Jocelyn and Lucian into following him. So really, why _wouldn’t_ Robert think that Maryse was jealous of her best friend?

“Are you jealous of Valentine?” She countered instead of answering, because she knew what her reply would have been and she knew it wouldn’t have pleased Robert in the slightest.

It would have pleased Valentine even less if word got back to him that Maryse wasn’t jealous of his wife. She was jealous of _him_ for having successfully wooed the prettiest woman in the city. But more than jealousy, what she felt bordered on hatred, because Valentine was nowhere near good enough for Jocelyn.

Maryse wasn’t perfect, but at least she didn’t lie and manipulate people like it was her favourite hobby, and at least she didn’t treat people like they were a means to an end. Now her best friend was stuck in a relationship with a man who would destroy her, and Maryse couldn’t do anything about it.

“Why would I be jealous of him?” Robert chuckled, his arm tightening around Maryse’s waist. “Yes, Jocelyn is great, but she and I would have never worked out. The two of us, however… Let’s just say I’m glad you finally listened to reason and let our parents arrange our engagement. I promise you our wedding will be just as grand and successful as this one, or at least as close as possible. We wouldn’t want to upstage the Morgensterns, now would we?”

A few years ago, that statement would have been outrageous. Robert was from an old family; the Lightwoods had all been born and raised in Alicante, trained to be the best warriors of their generations. They were right up there with the Herondales and the Branwells. Once upon a time, Lightwoods spat on Morgensterns and treated them like mere servants.

Now there Robert was, bowing down to Valentine Morgenstern as though he was his Lord and Saviour. It was almost sickening, especially since Maryse could still remember a younger Robert who listened and answered to no one.

He had been brave and stubborn and too brash for her tastes, but he had been better than the person he was now. At least then, he hadn’t blindly listened to the ideas of a mad man without even realising what he had been dragged into. Yes, Maryse had joined the Circle as well, but she hadn’t done it for Valentine. She had done it to protect the woman she loved from the evilest things in life.

She hated herself for it now, but she would never take it back, because she had done it for love first and foremost. Robert… He had let himself be corrupted. All the passion and pride he had had as a child had transformed him into the kind of man Maryse hated almost as much as she hated Valentine.

And now she was going to marry him.

“I’m sure that our mothers will do a wonderful job with the planning,” she finally answered diplomatically. “Although I’m not sure they care much about what the Morgensterns think. If you want to please Valentine more than you want to please your mother, you might have to have a serious talk with her. After all, the Lightwoods aren’t known for doing things halfway.”

“No they aren’t,” Robert agreed, smirking smugly. “You and I are going to be the best second-in-commands Jocelyn and Valentine could ask for, you know? Married, powerful, willing to do anything for the Circle… They couldn’t have chosen better people to trust.”

Maryse bit her lip to stop herself from commenting. Yes, she had once been Jocelyn’s most trusted friend, but she didn’t know whether that was still true. She didn’t know whether or not Jocelyn would come to her if Valentine was ever struggling with something. She didn’t know whether or not her best friend would trust her with Circle information.

More than that, though, she knew that Robert didn’t want to hear her opinion on _his_ position within their little group. The fact that he wasn’t Valentine’s parabatai already spoke volumes about what their leader thought of him. Although perhaps that was a good thing for him, because Maryse wouldn’t have touched him with a wooden pole if Robert had tied his soul to Valentine.

Michael Wayland, she could live with. Valentine Morgenstern? Not in a million years.

“We’re certainly quite the pair of soldiers,” she replied after a few moments of silence. A few metres away, Jocelyn said something that made Valentine burst out laughing, and Maryse gripped her flute of champagne tightly. She wasn’t sure when the alcohol had reached her, but she wasn’t about to complain; she needed all the strength she could get to survive this dreadful afternoon. “Valentine will undoubtedly be glad to hear that we both accepted our positions at the Alicante Institute.”

“That he will,” Robert grinned. “Those traditionalists won’t know what hit them when our generation graduates from training. We’re going to show everyone out there how good and proper the Shadow World can really be. With Valentine leading us, there’s no way we’ll fail, especially not when we recruit even more people.”

“Hmm,” Maryse hummed, desperate for a change of subject. “How about we keep the politics for later? It can’t be polite to talk about such serious and private matters during our friends’ wedding reception, can it? Besides, I feel like Valentine will definitely want to hear about your plans for the future. In the meantime, how about you go find Michael so we can settle down and… have cake. Jocelyn tells me the flavours are wonderful.”

Robert rolled his eyes and grumbled slightly, clearly unhappy about the suggestion but unwilling to defy Maryse so publicly. They needed to appear as a united front from now on, and that meant smiling and agreeing to things they would never do in private. It meant constantly remembering they were no longer alone, that they had a ‘family’ to think about. It made Maryse shiver uncomfortably, but it was a necessary evil.

She let Robert head towards Michael alone, taking that time to admire Jocelyn again. Her best friend was still hanging off her new husband’s arm, smiling brightly and laughing along to whatever Valentine was saying. They stood out starkly in the crowd, two beacons of light and joy that set Maryse on edge.

Jocelyn looked happy.

Jocelyn _was_ happy, if the woman herself was to be believed. She had been engaged to Valentine for two and a half months and had never been more enthusiastic and energetic. She was delighted, and Maryse didn’t understand when things had gone so wrong.

She turned away from Jocelyn sharply, her gaze searching for her own fiancé in the crowd. Torturing herself with what could have been and what would never be was a futile exercise in self-harm. Jocelyn was happy in her marriage, and Maryse would have to respect that.

She didn’t have to like it, but it wasn’t like she could openly complain about it either. Valentine was too powerful for her to ever go against his wishes, especially when it came to his personal life. So she would stay silent, and she would stay away from Jocelyn, no matter how painful it would be.

She _had_ to stay away from the woman she loved, for she feared she would do something stupid otherwise, like confess her feelings and admit that she had been too scared to do anything about them. That couldn’t happen, not now that they were both working towards separate future.

Staying away was for the best.

* * *

She managed to avoid Jocelyn for two days before her best friend cornered her at the Alicante Institute with a deep frown on her face and hundreds of questions for Maryse to answer.

Maryse could understand, of course, why her best friend was so confused about the way she had been avoiding Jocelyn, but it didn’t mean she wanted to talk about it. And it certainly didn’t mean she had changed her mind about their friendship and how close they should truly be.

Not when Jocelyn’s shiny new ring was still sitting snugly on her left hand, sparkling brightly for the rest of the world to see. Not when Maryse was trying to trudge through wedding planning with a man she couldn’t care less about. Not when after years and years of loving Jocelyn, she had obtained nothing but a broken heart.

If only Jocelyn could understand her point of view, maybe then her best friend would have let her go instead of chasing after her and demanding answers.

“I’m just concerned, Maryse,” the redhead insisted after an intense sparring session one day. Maryse had purposefully tried to be paired with someone other than Jocelyn, but all her best friend had had to do was bat her eyelashes at their instructor and she had gotten what she wanted. “You’ve been absent and, even when you’re around, you look like you’d rather be anywhere else. Valentine tells me you’re still keeping up with your Circle duties, the little that you have to do at least, but I feel like you’re pulling away from us. Is everything alright?”

“Everything’s fine, Jocelyn,” the brunette sighed, wiping the remaining sweat off her forehead and wincing as her shirt stuck to her sides uncomfortably. “But I’m dripping with sweat and frankly, the only thing I want to do right now is take a shower. I’m sorry I haven’t been spending as much time with you lately, but I figured you would want to have some alone time with Valentine. Just because you weren’t able to go on a honeymoon doesn’t mean you don’t want to enjoy your post-wedding high.”

“Well, yes, but- hey!” Jocelyn grabbed Maryse’s arm when the brunette tried to turn away and head for the communal showers. “Your little beauty session can wait a few minutes. I can tell when you’re lying to me, Maryse, and this is definitely one of those times. What is going on with you? Does this- Does this have to do with all the time you’ve been spending with Robert? I didn’t even know the two of you got along.”

Maryse clenched her jaw and looked away from Jocelyn’s piercing emerald gaze. She really didn’t want to deal with her best friend’s meddling right now, especially not with her pathetic ‘love’ life.

“We don’t get along,” she grit out. It wasn’t even a lie. Yes, Maryse and Robert could spend a few minutes in the same room without biting each other’s heads off, but they were the least compatible people in all of Alicante. The only reason they had gotten engaged was because their parents were obsessed with finding a good match for their children. “He and I have just been dealing with a… project together.”

“A project?” Jocelyn raised her eyebrows. “In his bedroom? Look, if you don’t want anyone to know about your relationship, that’s fine, but you don’t have to lie to _me_ , Maryse. You never have to lie to me. I thought you knew that.”

“I do,” Maryse breathed out, rubbing a tired hand over her face. “I promise I do, but this is a little more complicated. Robert and I aren’t dating, we’re just… You’ll find out soon enough, I promise, but I can’t talk about this right now. I don’t _want_ to talk about this right now, not with him and certainly not with you.”

“Since when do we keep secrets from each other, Maryse?” Jocelyn asked sharply, her lips pressed in a thin line. “You’re the first person I went to when I got engaged to Valentine, the first one I told about my assignment, the only one I share all my secrets with… So when did things change for you?”

“I’m not sure,” Maryse said softly, wringing her hands together. “But I swear I’m not trying to keep this a secret because I don’t trust you. I just… I’m not sure, alright?”

And wasn’t that the understatement of the year? She hadn’t been this uncertain about something in a very long time. The last time she had felt this anxious was when she had kissed Jocelyn all those years ago. She could still remember how horrified she had been at her own behaviour, how scared she had been that Jocelyn wouldn’t want to be friends with her anymore.

Now, it seemed like she had the opposite problem. She was still horrified at her behaviour, couldn’t quite believe that she had accepted a proposal from Robert Lightwood of all people. But this time, she wasn’t afraid of someone else’s reaction. She was afraid of her own.

Surely, Robert would soon realise that Maryse wasn’t interested in him or sex in the slightest. Surely, he would realise that she was pining after a taken woman. Surely, he would realise that she didn’t truly believe in the Circle’s ideals. She was taking so many risks with this marriage, and her heart was begging her to back out of it before her darkest secrets could no longer be contained and were forced into the limelight.

“Maryse Trueblood, unsure about something?” Jocelyn cut through her thoughts, an unladylike snort slipping past her lips. “Now that’s not something you hear every day. I don’t know why you’re doubting yourself, Maryse. You never have in the past, and I don’t think you should start now. You’re a smart woman; if you think you’re making the right choice, then I’m sure you are. Trust your instincts.”

Except she couldn’t, not this time.

Because this time, her instincts were screaming at her to whisk Jocelyn away to some country where shadowhunters didn’t exist. They were telling her to declare her love for this frustrating woman and sweep her off to a perfect land. They were begging her not to marry Robert.

Her mind, however, knew better. Maybe Jocelyn was right. Maybe Maryse should stop second-guessing herself. Robert Lightwood would be a terrible husband, but he was a powerful man who would put his reputation before anything else. Even if he found out about Maryse’s not-so-platonic feelings for Jocelyn, chances were he would want to keep things under wraps.

He wasn’t a good choice, but he was a sensible one. And maybe that was all she needed. He would give her children, a stable future, and a lovely house, and Maryse would be content, if not happy.

“You’re right,” she murmured, smiling sharply at Jocelyn. “This is the best option.”

“So… Will you tell me what this option is, now?” Jocelyn asked teasingly, batting her eyelashes prettily at Maryse. It had always made Maryse cave in the past, and it still made her cave now that they were both taken women. Old habits died hard and all that.

“Robert asked me to marry him.”

Jocelyn’s lips parted, forming a small and surprised ‘oh’. Her green eyes filled with confusion, then understanding, then something that looked a lot like distaste. Not that that made any sense, since Jocelyn spent almost as much time with Robert as Maryse did.

“And you decided that marrying him would be a terrible idea, right?” Jocelyn inquired when Maryse didn’t add anything else. “I mean, surely you can see that the two of you aren’t made for each other. He’s so… Well, he’s not the kindest man out there, and you could find someone a lot more handsome. Really, what was he thinking, asking someone like _you_ to marry someone like him?”

She ended her little speech with tinkling laughter and a shake of her head, as though the mere idea of Maryse and Robert getting married was preposterous. It was, of course, but Jocelyn was hardly the best person to speak about things like that.

“I said yes, actually,” Maryse interrupted before Jocelyn could say anything else. “Our parents have been talking about this match for a few years, but I always told them I had someone else in mind. Looking back on it, I suppose I was trying to stall, since it’s not like I was dating anyone. But now that we’re out of the Academy and should be thinking about our future, well… Robert is a respected and talented man who will probably gain headship of an Institute someday. I don’t love him, but it’s an ideal fit.”

“What on earth are you talking about?!” Jocelyn whisper-shouted, dragging Maryse into an empty room nearby and slamming the door shut behind them. She leaned against it, arms crossed, probably well aware that Maryse would bolt out of the room as soon as she stepped away from the door. “Maryse, Robert and you can barely stand each other. I’d be surprised if you can make it through your wedding night alive, let alone a lifetime. What possessed you to say yes to such a… a _monster_!”

Maryse blinked once, twice, before bursting into an uncontrollable fit of giggles. She laughed and laughed until she could barely breathe, almost losing it again when she caught a glimpse of Jocelyn’s confused face. She wanted to explain what had set her off, but her best friend looked so oblivious, and Maryse couldn’t take it.

Soon, her laughter started sounding a bit too much like sobs for her tastes. When she raised a hand to her face, she was unsurprised to find tears streaming down her cheeks. Whether they were tears of hysteria or of bitterness was anyone’s guess, because Maryse certainly didn’t know.

“You’re scaring me, Maryse,” Jocelyn murmured. “What’s so funny about what I said? I’m really concerned about you, and now here you go cackling at what was a serious line of questioning. Do I need to repeat my questions, or are you done acting like a mad person?”

“Oh, Joce,” Maryse chuckled mirthlessly. “You goddamned hypocrite. I love you, I do, but you have no idea how ridiculous you sound, telling me that I shouldn’t marry Robert. You have no idea how stupid it is for _you_ of all people to be judging me for my bad taste in spouses. At least I’m aware that Robert and I will never love each other. At least I know what I’m getting into. At least I’m not lying to myself about the kind of man I’m marrying and why I’m doing so. At least I’m not so deep in denial that I still can’t figure my own feelings out. At least I didn’t marry someone because I was too afraid of admitting that I didn’t want it in the first place!”

“Maryse, what-”

“How dare you talk to me about marrying a monster when you bear Valentine Morgenstern’s mark on your arm as though it’s something to be proud of?!” Maryse yelled, hoping beyond hope that there were soundless runes protecting this particular room. The last thing she wanted was for someone to overhear this dangerous conversation. “How dare you try to make me feel bad about my choices, when I can read the regret in your eyes as easily as I can read my own, _Jocelyn Morgenstern_.”

Glee sparked inside Maryse’s heart when her best friend flinched at the name. It hadn’t escaped the brunette’s notice that Jocelyn still introduced herself as a Fairchild, that she still hid behind her maiden name to make people forget about her alliance with Valentine.

Oh, she could try to tell herself that she was happy all she wanted, but Maryse knew her better than that. One day, all that repressed regret and bitterness would flood Jocelyn’s heart, and she would realise she had ruined her life before it had even truly begun.

Thankfully for her, Maryse would be right by her side, looking in the mirror with just as much hatred as the redhead. Once again, Maryse was tearing her own heart to pieces for the woman she loved, and she couldn’t do anything to stop it.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Jocelyn eventually answered, her voice low and broken and completely unconvincing. “I love Valentine. He and I are a great couple, and we’ve even started talking about children. Really, I couldn’t have asked for a better husband. Robert, however…”

“Will give me the exact same thing,” Maryse scoffed. “A promise of a bright future and children, and a superficial happiness that people like you would accept without blinking. Unfortunately, I can’t ignore my feelings like you do, Joce. I know exactly who my heart belongs to and, since I can’t have them, I’ll hide behind this marriage and pretend to love my perfect little family. I’ll be lying to everyone else, but at least I won’t be lying to myself like you are.”

“I’m not lying to myself,” Jocelyn snapped, but she was starting to sound as desperate as Maryse felt.

Maryse _knew_ that Jocelyn had feelings for her too. They had shared too many longing glances, too many loaded moments, too many nights curled up in bed together with tension thrumming between the two of them for the attraction between them to be anything other than requited.

“Are you sure about that?” Maryse whispered. “Are you truly as happy with Valentine as you claim you are? Don’t answer that, please, because apparently you’re incapable of speaking the truth ever since you married that psychopath. But Jocelyn, ask yourself one thing: if you’re truly so happy with Valentine, then why does my engagement to Robert bother you so much?”

Her best friend opened her mouth then snapped it shut immediately, her teeth gritting together so hard that Maryse could almost _hear_ it. Her hands were clenched into panful-looking fists, and her eyes were swimming with a mixture of fear and anger and confusion.

Maryse could relate. She had felt like that, once upon a time. She could still remember being 15 and afraid of the feelings bubbling inside her every time her best friend walked into the room. She could still remember being 16 and terrified that she would never love men the way she was supposed to. She could still remember being 17 and heartbroken as she realised she would probably never get to marry the woman she loved.

(That she would probably never get to marry for love at all.)

But Jocelyn wasn’t a teenager, and Maryse didn’t understand why the redhead hadn’t figured things out earlier. How had she lived in denial for so long without realising that something was wrong?

“I don’t know,” the redhead breathed out, looking at Maryse pleadingly. She was fooling herself if she thought Maryse would answer that question for her.

It wasn’t her job to deal with other people’s feelings; she had enough on her plate with her own. The last thing she needed was to add Jocelyn’s burdens to the ones she already carried on her shoulders.

“Well then, maybe you should figure it out,” Maryse whispered, digging her nails into the palms of her hands to stop herself from reaching out and embracing Jocelyn. “My wedding is in a month. Hopefully, you’ll understand yourself before that. If not… Well, I’m sure you’ll figure it out when I’m walking down the aisle.”

For a second, Maryse thought Jocelyn would say something else, but then her best friend was stepping away from the door, her fingers digging into her elbows harshly. Maryse wanted nothing more than to pry them away from her sensitive skin and kiss them better, but she knew that wasn’t her place.

Instead, she opened the door and glanced at Jocelyn one last time before stepping out of the room.

Her best friend had a month to understand that what they shared was a lot deeper than friendship. A month before it was too late and they were both tied to a man they didn’t love.

Maryse’s heart clenched agonisingly.

A month wasn’t enough.


	3. Jocelyn

Jocelyn didn’t know how long she had been laying there for, staring at the ceiling as though it held the answer to every question she had ever asked herself.

Her beautiful emerald green dress was draped over the edge of her bed, crumpled into an untidy heap of fabric. Maryse and Robert’s wedding started in less than an hour, and Jocelyn already knew she wouldn’t be in attendance.

Because for some reason, she still couldn’t stand the thought of her best friend marrying that man. She had been trying to understand what Maryse had meant for just over a month, but she still didn’t know why she hated Robert so much. What was it about him that grated on her nerves so much? What was it about their relationship that made her skin crawl?

She had been trying to figure out every night before she went to bed, but she had come up with nothing. She had tried following Robert around to catch him doing something evil, had tried staying away from Maryse and then had spent as much time with her as possible; hell, she had even tried distracting herself from the entire situation by sleeping with her new husband.

Nothing helped, and certainly not Valentine. She knew she was missing something, knew that Maryse was right when she accused Jocelyn of living in denial but, for the life of her, she couldn’t figure out _what_ she was denying herself. What deep, dark emotion was she hiding within her heart? What was her mind trying to protect her from?

And what in Raziel’s name did Robert Lightwood have to do with any of it?

Her wedding attire fell to the floor and Jocelyn didn’t bother picking it up. She knew Maryse would be mad at her, but something told her the brunette would also understand why she hadn’t been able to come. Because, as always, her best friend knew more about Jocelyn than Jocelyn herself did. It was both enraging and reassuring, because at least it meant Maryse could read the hidden message behind Jocelyn’s actions.

The message the redhead had yet to decipher.

She groaned and rolled over onto her stomach, burying her head into her pillow and wondering if passing out would make time tick by faster. Or if it would reveal the truth to her; whichever came first.

At this point, she could feel the thought at the tip of her mind. It was right there, teasing her with its proximity. She could almost imagine the words and the feelings begging to be let out, yet something still held them back. She cursed underneath her breath, throwing her pillow aside and groaning loudly.

Maryse had told her she had a month, and that month had passed without a single thing coming out of it. The best friends had started spending time together again, had trained together and had helped each other with their new workloads, but Jocelyn had failed to be hit by a revelation. She still didn’t know what it was that Maryse knew but that she didn’t.

It had something to do with emotions, something to do with feelings Jocelyn had probably buried in the confines of her heart years ago. It was something that had made it impossible for Maryse to talk to Jocelyn at her wedding. Whatever it was, it was clearly important; something Maryse had had to keep to herself.

(Or something she had been too afraid to say.)

Unbidden, Jocelyn’s thoughts strayed back to the night of her engagement. Maryse had been there, then, waiting for her in her bedroom with anxiety written all over her face. She had been there to say something, and Jocelyn was starting to think that whatever she had been planning on doing would have changed everything.

Instead, Jocelyn was left with nothing but scattered clues to follow and a heart that beat faster when Maryse was around for reasons she couldn’t explain. She couldn’t explain any of this, and it made her want to tear her heart out.

Maryse would probably be walking down the aisle by now, ready to tie herself to Robert forever. In a few minutes, she would no longer be Maryse Trueblood, Jocelyn’s childhood best friend. She would be Maryse Lightwood, wife to one of Alicante’s most prized bachelors.

Jocelyn could picture it in her mind as she closed her eyes again. Maryse would be dressed in gold, just as Jocelyn had been a little over a month ago. She would be as beautiful as ever, sparkling in the moonlight like a goddess. She would smile that brittle smile of hers, the one that meant she wasn’t truly happy. And then her gaze would stray to Jocelyn’s as it always did, and…

And what?

What would have happened? Why was it that something like distress sparked inside Jocelyn’s heart at the thought of Maryse walking down that aisle? Her best friend had told her that the wedding would be the key to her understanding everything, but she still couldn’t figure out why.

Maryse would have looked at her, she was sure of that. But why was she so sure of that? And why did she feel like it was the missing piece to the puzzle that was her heart?

Maryse would have looked at her, and Jocelyn would have seen something in her eyes, as she always did when her best friend glanced her way. She could imagine it so easily it hurt, the love and hope mixed with frustration, regret, fear, and something like…

 _Longing_.

Jocelyn jumped up, black spots dancing in front of her eyes as she regained her footing. She stared down at herself, taking in the old shirt that had once belonged to Maryse and the ratty sweatpants she hadn’t washed in weeks. Her gaze strayed to the dress on the floor, but she knew she didn’t have the time to deal with it. She grabbed a pair of shoes and laced them up as quickly as possible, damning shadowhunters for not having caught onto mundane fashion trends quite yet.

She was out of the door and running down the streets of Alicante as soon as she physically could, pushing past people and probably coming across as an insane person. She knew she shouldn’t have been out looking like that, not when she had hers and Valentine’s reputation to think about, but she didn’t care.

Jocelyn had already ruined her life, but maybe she could stop Maryse from making the same mistake. If her best friend knew that Jocelyn _knew_ , then maybe she would put an end to the ceremony and give them both the love and relationship they deserved.

Because Jocelyn had seen longing in Maryse’s gaze, and she couldn’t believe she had been stupid enough to miss it before. How had she not realised that her best friend cared about her like that? How had she not realised that the moments they had shared, the _kiss_ they had shared mattered?

Most importantly, how had she not realised that she loved her best friend heart and soul and would do anything to keep her in her life forever?

Shadowhunters weren’t raised to believe in same-sex relationships. Nephilim who were caught with someone of the same gender were often shunned and sent away, banished to Wrangel Island or Alaska or some other place where nothing happened. So of course, Jocelyn hadn’t even _thought_ about a relationship when Maryse had told her to think about her own feelings.

She had been so caught up in fear of losing her best friend that she hadn’t realised she could have gained a lover months – maybe even years – ago. So screw the rest of the Alicante population. Screw them all and their judgement and disgusted looks. If Jocelyn wanted to run through the city streets in the hopes of saving her best friend before it was too late, then she would.

She would, because she loved Maryse Trueblood, and she didn’t think she could live in a world without that strong, beautiful, and stubborn woman by her side. She had never run faster, pushed on by her activated runes, the wind, and her desire to make it to the wedding venue in time.

The Morgenstern ring glinted in the sunlight, and Jocelyn was hit with the same sense of wrongness as she had been on the day of her engagement. Back then, she hadn’t understood why she hadn’t been as happy as most women would have been in her position. Now, she did. She knew exactly why her heart stuttered painfully at the sight of someone else’s emblem on her finger.

The answer lay in the form of dark and soft hair, warm brown eyes that could read her better than anyone else, and secret smiles exchanged when Maryse thought no one was looking. The answer had been right in front of Jocelyn this entire time, holding her hand and supporting her even as the redhead made mistake after mistake.

Jocelyn burst into the wedding reception hall.

The answer to all her questions stood there, dressed in gold and dangling off Robert Lightwood’s arm with a brand new rune on her hand.

Jocelyn had done just as Maryse had asked. She had thought long and hard and she had, eventually, figured things out. She had figured _herself_ out. But a month hadn’t been enough, and now her best friend walked around the room in the arms of the man she had made her husband. Jocelyn looked down at herself again, realising there were hundreds of people around to see her like this. People she knew.

Hell, her husband was probably in the room. She ran back out before anyone could see her or point her out. She ran and ran until she found herself in a little cabin in the woods, surrounded by fairy lights that had been hung up years ago by the woman she loved. The woman who had loved her all along but who had held back in an effort to keep their friendship intact.

Jocelyn had always adored those fairy lights and, apparently, a few months didn’t change that. She stared up at the twinkling white stars, laying on the uncomfortable couch she had dragged to the cabin all the way from the Academy’s storage unit. This place had always been theirs, and Jocelyn wondered how many nights Maryse had spent here, stopping herself from leaning over and kissing the redhead.

How many times had they been seconds away from brushing lips without Jocelyn even knowing about it? How many moments had she ruined with her own denial? Guilt churned in her stomach at the thought of how many times Maryse must have left this cabin heartbroken and feeling more alone than ever.

It was only fitting for Jocelyn to have her turn.

She curled onto her side, closing her eyes and letting the tears she had been fighting back ever since she had left the wedding venue stream down her cheeks. Raziel, she had been such a fool. If she had gone to the wedding, if she had been there when Maryse walked down the aisle, maybe… Maybe her best friend wouldn’t be shackled to Lightwood.

Maybe they could have run away together, leaving Valentine behind. Jocelyn wasn’t brave or strong enough to do so by herself but if Maryse pushed her along the way, if she showed her there were other things in life to look forward to other than a perfect shadowhunter family and career.

Deep down, though, Jocelyn knew being at the wedding wouldn’t have changed anything. She would have still had her enlightening realisation, but she wouldn’t have stood up for the person she loved. The only difference would have been that Jocelyn would have had to see Maryse mark someone else with a rune of love and devotion.

Perhaps it was selfish on her part, but she was glad she hadn’t gone to the wedding. She didn’t know how Maryse had made it through the ceremony without breaking down into tears, but Jocelyn knew she wouldn’t done half as good a job at hiding her emotions. She had always been the expressive one of their duo, and going to a wedding only to realise she loved the bride halfway through? It would have gone terribly, especially with Valentine there.

So yes, it had probably been a selfish move, but at least this way Jocelyn had the time to dry her tears before someone found her. At least this way she wouldn’t have too look Maryse in the eyes as she told the woman she loved that she had finally figured it out, but that it was too late.

The only way they could be together now was… Unconceivable. Even if Maryse agreed to sneaking around, even if Jocelyn let herself be unfaithful, there were too many risks involved. If they were caught by their husbands – or anyone, really – things would undoubtedly go south for them. Affairs between men and their mistresses were tolerated, but affairs between women and their lovers? Not so much.

Not for the first time in her life, Jocelyn cursed their patriarchal society and how demeaning it was towards women. She was just as much of a shadowhunter as Valentine was, but she would always be judged more harshly for her actions. She would always be expected to step away from the field when the time came for her to have children. She would always be treated as an inferior to her husband, and Jocelyn hated it.

More than anything, though, she hated that it meant she couldn’t be with the person she loved. She hated thinking about Maryse, stuck in bed with a man she didn’t care about and forced to sleep with him. Because if Jocelyn was right, her best friend had it even worse than her. At least Jocelyn wasn’t completely repulsed by the idea of bedding her husband. At least she could kiss him without it feeling completely wrong – although she wouldn’t be surprised to find that she could no longer kiss him without thinking about Maryse.

Jocelyn closed her eyes and breathed in deeply, trying to steady herself. She should be heading back towards the Institute before someone realised she was missing. However, the mere thought of going back there and hearing people talk about Maryse’s recent nuptials made her want to throw up. So she stayed. She kept her eyes on the comforting fairy lights, thought about all the legends they had come up with surrounding this cabin, and she stayed.

She must have fallen asleep at some point, because the next thing she knew, she was waking up to the sound of a fire message. The piece of paper hovered above her for a second before she reacted and snatched it up, frowning at the words scribbled onto it. Her husband’s handwriting hadn’t gotten any better with time, and it took Jocelyn a few seconds to realise the man was asking about her whereabouts.

The reception must have been done for at least an hour, if not more, and it made sense for her husband to come looking for her as soon as he was free. She didn’t want to see him, didn’t want to talk to him after all the realisations she had had that evening, but she knew she couldn’t hide away forever.

She turned the piece of paper over and reached for the stele she had stuffed in her back pocket earlier that night. A few quick strokes later, she was sending a message towards the Institute.

 _You know where I am_.

She closed her eyes, trying to enjoy her last few moments of peace and loneliness before chaos and heartbreak descended upon her.

* * *

The door to the cabin creaked open but Jocelyn didn’t bother looking up. Only one person knew about this place, and only one person had been told that Jocelyn would be there that night.

“Joce?”

Maryse’s voice was uncertain in a way it had never been before. It occurred to Jocelyn that Maryse shouldn’t have been here at all. She should have been celebrating her new marriage with her husband, maybe even consummating it – no matter how distasteful the thought was to her. She definitely shouldn’t have been running after her best friend to make sure Jocelyn was alright.

Jocelyn was the one who had messed things up; she was the reason why they were both suffering. She had sent a message to Maryse in the hopes of getting comfort from her best friend, she now realised how selfish she had acted – _again_. Maryse was the one who had just gone against everything she stood for to guarantee herself some sort of future in their society.

She was the one who had probably just broken her own heart because she thought Jocelyn would never accept her and her feelings as they were.

“I’m here,” Jocelyn whispered in the darkness, turning around so she was on her side and staring at the cabin door. As soon as she caught sight of Maryse, she was struck speechless, her breath rushing out of her in a single swoop.

The brunette hadn’t changed out of her dress. She was still wearing her golden gown, looking like a princess without a crown. Moonlight illuminated her from behind, her dark hair standing starkly against the rest of her outfit. Jocelyn had always associated Maryse with the night, and she was proven right once again. Her best friend was always beautiful, but she shone even brighter when the stars were out.

In hindsight, Jocelyn should have figured her feelings out a long time ago. She had been pining after Maryse for longer than she could remember, desperate for her best friend’s every touch and attention even when she hadn’t understood why she needed it so much. And laying there, her eyes stuck on Maryse’s silhouette, Jocelyn realised that she had lost a lot more than a chance at love by living in denial.

She had lost the only shot shadowhunters had at finding the right person.

“I wasn’t sure you would come, given… Well, given everything that happened today,” Jocelyn breathed out, forcing her gaze away from Maryse and back to the fluorescent stars. She shuffled closer to the back of the sofa, extending her arm out so her best friend would get the message.

It took a second; Maryse was obviously hesitant and unsure about Jocelyn’s intentions but, eventually, the brunette made it to the couch and stretched her legs out next to Jocelyn’s. Her wedding gown took up so much space that Jocelyn was momentarily afraid they would drown into it, but then Maryse was laying down fully and facing her, and every thought of dresses and weddings flew out of Jocelyn’s mind.

“Hey,” she murmured, dropping her gaze under Maryse’s intense scrutiny.

“Hey yourself,” the brunette answered softly. “Care to tell me what we’re doing in our teenage cabin months after graduation? No offence, but I’m not exactly in the mood for a trip down memory lane or whatever late bachelorette party you had in a mind. You were right when you said a lot of things happened today, and the only thing I need right now is a bath and maybe a lifetime of sleep.”

“Was it really that bad?”

Jocelyn knew her question had been a mistake as soon as it slipped past her lips. Maryse snorted mirthlessly, the sound broken and almost _sad_. Jocelyn had known her best friend hadn’t wanted to get married, but perhaps she had underestimated how hard this would be on Maryse.

Her best friend had never wanted to be shackled down to a man, and now she was tied to one of the worst ones out there. And although Jocelyn knew this wasn’t entirely her fault, she couldn’t help but blame herself for taking so long to understand what was going on between her best friend and her.

Maryse had chosen to go into this marriage with eyes wide open, but Jocelyn knew she would have never accepted Robert’s proposal if Jocelyn hadn’t gotten married first. Her best friend was an adult who was fully aware of her choices and free to do whatever she pleased, but Jocelyn would have to be a fool not to see the regret and bitterness in Maryse’s eyes as she shook her head slowly.

“It wasn’t all bad,” the brunette said softly. “I mean, compared to what I had imagined. At least you weren’t there to see me walk down that aisle and make a fool of myself by crying before I even got to the end of it. Everyone thought they were tears of joy and anxiety, but well…”

“We know better than that,” Jocelyn completed for her. “And Maryse, I know you said you were glad I wasn’t there but… I’m sorry. I’m sorry I was too cowardly and afraid to come, and I’m sorry I wasn’t able to figure things out in time. Robert and you looked like a perfect couple, so at least your cover story of falling madly in love at the Academy holds up. I’m pretty sure even Valentine was fooled.”

Maryse froze against Jocelyn, her limbs going stiff and her breath hitching.

“You were there?” She whispered, her jaw clenching as she raised Jocelyn’s chin until they were staring at each other. “You were there during the ceremony? That’s not possible, Joce, I would have- There’s no way I wouldn’t have seen you, no matter how many people were there. I was-”

 _Looking for you_. The words went unsaid, but Jocelyn was aware enough to know they had probably been on the tip of her best friend’s tongue. Realising she had feelings for the brunette and that those feelings were reciprocated had really opened her eyes to a lot of things that hadn’t made sense in the past.

“I wasn’t there during the ceremony,” Jocelyn corrected, fidgeting with a piece of Maryse’s dress. The fabric was soft and soothing to the touch, and Jocelyn wondered if that was why her best friend had chosen it. Despite her cold exterior, Maryse loved warm and comforting things. “I stopped by during the reception, dressed in my pyjamas and looking like a mess. I’m not sure what I was- Well, no, that’s a lie. I was going to do something and then realised it was both too late and unnecessary. So I came here instead.”

“Too la- _No_.”

Maryse’s voice was clear and strong, but Jocelyn could make out the heartbreak and disbelief behind that single word. Maryse knew exactly what Jocelyn had been doing at the reception, but Jocelyn didn’t blame her for not wanting to believe it. After all, what was more heart-wrenching than finding out you had missed a chance with your true love because of a few damned minutes?

“No, Joce, please tell me you’re not saying what I think you’re saying,” Maryse pleaded, shutting her eyes tightly. A tear slipped out anyways, and Jocelyn ached to brush it off. It wasn’t her place though, especially not after the hectic evening Maryse had had. “ _Why_ , Jocelyn? Why are you telling me this now? After years of- of telling myself that it was a lost cause, after a month of agonising over whether or not you would figure out, why would you tell me _now_? I’m married, Joce, and so are you. We’re taken and supposed to be becoming perfect housewives for our husbands. We should be with them right now, so _why_? Why are we here together, Jocelyn?”

Her voice cracked on Jocelyn’s name, and this time the redhead couldn’t help herself from wiping away a few of her best friend’s tears. She let her hand rest of Maryse’s cheek, tracing patterns repetitively up and down her face, unsure whether she was comforting herself or Maryse.

“Because even though we’re married, even though I’ve been with Valentine for over a month, I think we both know it’ll never work for us,” Jocelyn breathed out, pouring all the love and hope she felt into her voice. “I think we both know we’ll never love them like we’re supposed to. I might have fooled myself ever since my engagement, but I know you’re not as oblivious as I am, Maryse. You- I- I _love_ you, and I think you do too, and I’m not sure how I’m supposed to live with that knowledge and not act on it.”

Maryse shook her head again, the movement small and desolate, almost as though Maryse wanted this moment to be over. Almost as though she didn’t want it to be true, even though Jocelyn knew she had been dreaming of this for a very long time. She knew she hadn’t imagined the longing in her best friend’s eyes, just like she knew it was probably reflected in her own irises as she spoke.

“I love you, Maryse Trueblood,” Jocelyn murmured, leaning in and pressing her forehead against Maryse’s as gently as possible. “I have loved you for a very long time, and I am so sorry that it took me all these years to figure it out. I am so sorry I let you change yourself and marry a man you couldn’t care less about because of my foolishness. I’m sorry now, and I will be for the rest of my life, if you let me. Because even though it’s wrong and dangerous and careless, I- I want to be with you more than I want anything in the world. And deep down, I think you want that too.”

Broken laughter slipped out of Maryse’s lips, the sound pained and miserable and beautiful all at once. The brunette opened her eyes again, ignoring the tears streaming out of them in favour of leaning in even closer to Jocelyn. Their noses brushed against each other, and Jocelyn lost sense of everything that wasn’t Maryse.

“Of course I want that too,” Maryse whispered, her breath ghosting against Jocelyn’s lips. “I’ve wanted to be with you for years, and that will never change. But I’m not Maryse Trueblood anymore. I’m not the fierce woman you knew anymore. I have a husband to think about and a family to honour. And so do you. Because you’re not the Jocelyn Fairchild I fell in love with either, you haven’t been in a very long time. I still love you, of course, more than anything else, but I don’t think you understand how bad it would be for the two of us to get romantically tangled.”

“I think I do,” Jocelyn retorted, carding her fingers through Maryse’s hair and smiling softly when her best friend unconsciously leaned into the touch. “I know just how bad it would be for us, but I also know how _good_ it would be. We deserve to be happy, Maryse, even though we’ve both made hundreds of mistakes that can’t be taken back. But with you by my side, I promise I’ll do better. I’ll stop listening to Valentine’s every word like they’re gospel, and I’ll make you the most cherished woman in all of Alicante. All you have to do is say yes, Maryse. A single word and I’m yours.”

“A single word and you’re mine,” Maryse repeated, shaky fingers reaching up between them to trace the outline of Jocelyn’s lips. “And what happens after that? What happens when our husbands start asking about our secret rendezvous and getting suspicious about the amount of time we spend together? What happens when Valentine realises you’re not as dutiful as you promised you would be? What happens when we’re forced apart by the Clave, or the Circle, or both?”

“Not _when_ , Maryse,” Jocelyn corrected her, a smile curling at her lips. “ _If_. If they find out, if we’re cast out, _if_. For now, we continue to live. We live and love each other and prove that women being together isn’t as bad as everyone made it out to be. We build our families in the public eye and love each other in the background. And if they find out, we’ll run away. We’ll run away and recreate our lives somewhere else. As long as I have you, Maryse, there’s nothing I wouldn’t do.”

The brunette bit her lip and looked away from Jocelyn, a myriad of emotions warring in her gaze. Behind her back, Jocelyn crossed her free fingers and prayed to the angel. Prayed that even if she had been too late to save Maryse from Robert, she wasn’t too late for a chance at an actual relationship.

A relationship in which she loved and respected her partner as much as her partner respected her. A relationship in which her significant other didn’t dismiss her words as though they were irrelevant. A relationship she wanted, looked forward to, and would cherish until the end of her life. It was the kind of relationship she had always wanted, and she had been a fool to believe that Valentine could give that to her.

Maryse, however, had already been loving and taking care of her for a very long time. Jocelyn knew she would have to redeem herself, would have to show the other woman that her love was truly reciprocated, but if Maryse let her try, she would do her very best. She would listen to her lover, would give her all the attention she deserved, and would never let her go.

All Maryse had to do was say yes.

A simple word, just enough to give them a chance. Just enough to show Jocelyn that she still mattered to Maryse more than Robert did. Her best friend had been willing to be with her before so, surely, things couldn’t have changed so much in such a short amount of time.

Maryse had always wanted a family, but Jocelyn thought there was a chance she wanted love even more. She thought that the probability of Maryse choosing her above the illusion of a perfect life was high, because her best friend had been begging her to look past her own denial just a month ago.

If Maryse denied herself this relationship after going to all those lengths just to make Jocelyn realise she had feelings for the brunette… Well, it would make her just as much of a hypocrite as Jocelyn had been when she had accused her best friend of marrying a monster. And if there was one thing Maryse never wanted to be, it was a hypocritical liar who hurt those around her with callous words and a complete disregard of their feelings.

“And you’re sure you love me?” Maryse whispered, her voice wavering as she spoke. “You’re absolutely certain you won’t regret this in a few years when we’re too far down the road to back out of it?”

“I’ve never been surer of anything in my life,” Jocelyn confirmed, turning Maryse’s face back towards her and leaning in so their lips were less than an inch apart. It was Maryse’s turn to act, her turn to make a move and prove that this entire night hadn’t been for nothing. “If you love me too, then say yes. Say yes, and I’ll make sure you never regret it.”

A beat of silence, then another, and then-

“Yes.”

Jocelyn crushed her lips to Maryse’s, breathing in her best friend’s intoxicating smell and taste and wrapping her arms around the brunette’s waist. Golden fabric spilled between the two of them but Jocelyn didn’t pay it any mind. She licked at Maryse’s lips, curled her tongue around the other woman’s, devoured her with hurried touches, and tried to communicate every feeling she had been hiding with her mouth.

When they parted, Jocelyn was panting, breathless, and she couldn’t have looked any better than Maryse did in that moment. Cheeks flushed, lips bitten red, and pupils dilated, Maryse looked like a goddess sent down to earth to seduce Jocelyn. Good thing for her, Jocelyn was finally done resisting.

She leaned in again, and this time the kiss was soft, warm, and loving. She kissed Maryse until she couldn’t think anymore and, even then, she stayed as close to her best friend as was physically possible. Matching smiles lit up their faces and, when Maryse spoke again, her voice was fond and loving and happier than it had been in months.

“I love you too, Jocelyn Fairchild.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heya guys! Thank you so much for reading! Double update today because I didn't want to leave you on Chapter 2's bitter ending. I hope you enjoyed it <3
> 
> Love, Junie.


	4. Maryse

After all the years she had spent pining for Jocelyn, Maryse had thought the change from best friends to lovers would be hard. She had thought they would struggle with themselves and their relationship, that they wouldn’t know how to separate their past friendship from their newly formed romance.

For once in her life, Maryse was glad to be proven wrong.

Loving Jocelyn had been a part of her for years now, and getting to finally express it to the woman in question was liberating. Similarly, Jocelyn seemed to take to their new dynamic as though it was the most natural thing in the world. And in a way, it was. They had always been meant to be together, of that Maryse was sure, so maybe it made sense for the change in their relationship to be so seamless.

The only challenge was keeping the whole affair from their husbands. Thankfully, they lived in the same Institute, which meant spending time in each other’s rooms wasn’t viewed as strange. They were best friends, after all, and everyone knew they had always been joined together at the hip. And if no one ever bothered to ask them what they got up to behind closed doors, well… That was their mistake for assuming two women couldn’t have an affair.

Not that Maryse was complaining, since it meant she got to spend hours on end with Jocelyn without getting interrupted by a jealous husband. Robert didn’t love her, and she didn’t love him, which made things easier. Valentine didn’t share a room with Jocelyn, so it hadn’t been completely out of the ordinary for Maryse to _also_ request a solitary bedroom, even though she was technically married.

So overall, their relationship couldn’t have been more perfect. The next few months were the best of Maryse’s life. Jocelyn and she snuck around when no one was looking, waltzing through Alicante’s shadows as though they owned them and cuddling in their cabin when they were feeling particularly sentimental.

It was on one of those nights that Maryse finally worked up the courage to do something she should have realistically done as soon as Jocelyn had admitted that she also had feelings for her. However, for all that she was a strong and unyielding shadowhunter, Maryse still had her insecurities, and this was one of them.

Because no matter what Jocelyn said, no matter what she believed, there was still a chance that Maryse cared more about her than Jocelyn did in return. She had been in love with the redhead for years, longing for her from a distance and daydreaming of the future they could have together. Jocelyn, on the other hand, had only figured her feelings out three months ago, which meant there was still a chance…

Still a chance that this was temporary for her.

“Spit it out, Maryse.”

The brunette chuckled nervously at Jocelyn’s exasperated tone. If only it were that simple; if only it were just about saying something and being done with it. Unfortunately for herself, Maryse was a secret romantic at heart.

“I’m serious, baby, just tell me what’s going on,” Jocelyn frowned, switching positions on the couch so she was looking into Maryse’s eyes. “You’ve been nervous about something all evening and now I’m starting to get worried. Is something wrong? Did someone find out about us?”

“No, no,” Maryse reassured her instantly. “Nothing like that. It’s not- It’s not bad, or at least I don’t think it is, but I- I don’t know, Joce. We’ve been doing this for a while, you know? And there are some things I’ve been thinking about; nothing too serious, or at least I hope not, and I want to tell you, but I’ve never been the best at expressing my feelings out loud.”

“Hmm,” Jocelyn answered, carding her fingers through Maryse’s hair and frowning at her worriedly. “Are you sure it isn’t anything bad?”

“One hundred percent certain,” Maryse murmured, one of her hands reaching down to pat at her coat pocket, just to make sure she hadn’t left the most important part of this evening behind. “I’m only nervous because most people would consider this a pretty big step in a relationship, even though I suppose it’s a little different for us. Do you remember that night, two weeks ago, when I told you about Robert?”

“His mistress, you mean?” Jocelyn asked quietly. “Yeah, I remember, why?”

“Because back then, you asked me whether or not I thought he would file for a divorce just to be with her,” Maryse said softly, smiling as she remembered how hopeful Jocelyn had looked. She had to admit, even she had had a moment when she had believed it would all be over a lot sooner than they had anticipated. Just a moment, though. “I didn’t answer, mostly because I didn’t want to disappoint you, but I think we both know what the answer to that question is. Robert won’t be filing for a divorce until we have children, and we both know that might take a while. However, after that…”

“After that, you think he might leave you? Might take a chance with his lover and leave you behind?”

“I don’t know,” Maryse said sincerely. “Fortunately for us, though, Robert isn’t the only person who can file for divorce. Shadowhunters are still very patriarchal, but they’re not stupid enough to let women suffer through abusive marriages just because they couldn’t be damned to fix their system. And I know- I know Robert isn’t abusive, and I know if I’m the one to file for a separation, there’s a good chance he’ll get custody of the children, but that’s a chance I’m willing to take.”

“Wait, Maryse, _wait_ ,” Jocelyn’s eyes were comically wide, and her fingers were trembling even as they clutched onto Maryse’s hair tightly. “You’re going to file for divorce once you’ve had all the children Robert wants you to have? Do you have any idea what that could do to your reputation? Nephilim authorise divorces, but we both know they’re not viewed well at all.”

“And we both know my reputation doesn’t mean as much to me as you do, Joce,” Maryse pointed out quietly. “Robert and I will only end up resenting each other if we stay together, but if I file for divorce… If I’m the one to take the first step, there’s a good chance he’ll go along with my plan, if only to be with the woman he so clearly loves. Neither of us are happy in our marriage, and it won’t take much to push him over the edge.”

“That’s still… I mean, you know I can’t do that with Valentine, right? The stakes just aren’t the same on my end, and the consequences would be a lot harsher if I tried to step away from him,” Jocelyn’s voice was apologetic as she spoke and, even though Maryse knew the redhead wasn’t trying to hurt her, a flash of pain still panged in her chest at the reminder.

She understood, she really did. Robert wasn’t the best man out there, was a little too misogynist and brutal for her tastes, but he wasn’t a psychopath. He could be kind, and Maryse knew he genuinely cared about his mistress. _That_ , Maryse could relate to. What she couldn’t relate to was the need to eradicate an entire race of people just because they were different. What she couldn’t relate to was the need to control everything all the time, no matter who got hurt because of her actions.

She understood why hers and Jocelyn’s situations were different, but it didn’t make things any easier to accept. Of course, their relationship would be easier to maintain if even one of them wasn’t married, but it wouldn’t be perfect. They would still have to hide from Valentine, who probably wouldn’t hesitate to murder them both if he found out about their illicit activities. They would still have to make sure the Clave didn’t catch them in the act because, husband or not, two women dating would still be viewed _very_ poorly.

She understood why nothing would ever be the way she wanted it to be, but it didn’t make her feel any better about herself and the decisions she was about to make. At the end of the day, Jocelyn’s relationship was a lot harder to handle than her own, which meant she had to be the one to initiate things. She had to be the one who asked, because she knew Jocelyn never would.

Her fingers closed around the tiny box in her pocket, and she dug it out of her coat before she could talk herself out of it. Jocelyn gasped as she saw what Maryse was holding, but the brunette didn’t let that stop her either. Whether Jocelyn accepted her offer or not, this was something she had to do for herself, because she loved Jocelyn more than anything and wanted – _needed_ – to know if her lover felt the same way.

“Maryse, what-”

“I was going to give this to you on the night Valentine proposed to you,” Maryse interrupted her best friend, needing to get everything out before she ran out of courage. “I picked it a few months before our graduation, and I held onto it, waiting for the perfect moment to arrive. Unfortunately for the both of us, I wasn’t quite as bold then as I am now. You came home that night, and you had Valentine’s family ring on your finger. And me… I didn’t even have the Trueblood ring for you, since it’s not something my parents would ever give to _me_. All I had was this, a frail ring I picked up in Alicante when I snuck out alone one day.”

“It’s not just a ring,” Jocelyn shook her head lightly, her hands trembling as she sat up and dragged Maryse with her so they were facing each other, fingers clasped around the velvet bow. “It’s not just a ring, Maryse, because it’s from _you_ , and that would have meant everything.”

“I know that now,” Maryse laughed mirthlessly, playing with the box for a few seconds before opening it and showing Jocelyn the ring that lay inside, hanging from the end of a golden chain.

It really wasn’t anything special; it was gold in colour, but the metal had worn off a little bit, and single emerald on it didn’t shine as bright as it probably had, once upon a time. It wasn’t new, and it wasn’t as beautiful as something Maryse could have afforded in the bigger Alicante boutiques, but it was- It was _Jocelyn’s_. Maryse didn’t know how to explain it, but she had found it in an old weapons’ shop and had immediately known that she had to buy it for the woman she loved.

The shopkeeper had looked at her curiously, clearly wondering why a girl like her was buying a ring like _that_ , but she hadn’t let that deter her. And now, there it was, shining dully in the moonlight and being looked at like it was the answer to all of Jocelyn’s questions.

“ _Maryse_ ,” she whispered, letting her unadorned hand trail over the piece of jewellery reverently. “Maryse, love, it’s perfect.”

A part of Maryse longed to ask Jocelyn to put it on, to see if it truly looked as perfect on her as she had imagined it would, but she couldn’t do it. Not when the Morgenstern relic was still curled around her ring finger possessively, marking her as Valentine’s wife. Not when they were both married and getting ready to form their own families. She longed to see it on Jocelyn’s hand, but they would have to be patient.

And if she only ever got to see it resting against Jocelyn’s chest when they lay alone in one of their bedrooms, then so be it. It wasn’t what she truly desired, but it was better than nothing. It was better than Jocelyn turning down what was, in a way, the only proposal Maryse would ever get. She couldn’t promise Jocelyn a wedding, couldn’t promise her a happy marriage, but she could promise her a lifetime of love and of family, hidden in a little cabin in the woods.

“I can’t ask you to marry me, because I think that would be taking things a little too far, too soon,” Maryse said, looking down at the ring to avoid Jocelyn’s heavy gaze. “I can’t even promise you that we’ll ever get the chance to be married, no matter what happens in the future with our husbands. But Jocelyn, I love you so much it makes my heart ache, and I want nothing more than forever with you. We can’t make it official in the eyes of the world, but maybe we could make it official in the eyes of our souls?”

“So this… isn’t an engagement ring?” Jocelyn asked, clearly wanting to make sure she wasn’t misunderstanding anything. “This isn’t you asking me to leave Valentine for you?”

“When I bought it, that’s exactly what it was,” Maryse admitted. “An engagement ring, I mean. It was supposed to be the start to a new life, but that’s not going to happen now. Instead, you should think of it as a promise ring. I hear some mundanes do it, and I’m sure it’s quite common in plenty of downworlder cultures. It’s a piece of me, given to you as a sign that I’ll never be anyone else’s but yours, for as long as you wear that ring around your neck.”

“A promise of forever,” Jocelyn breathed out, staring at the ring with a new kind of awe in her eyes. “Maryse, that’s not something you do lightly; are you certain you want to give me this?”

Maryse scoffed, slightly offended at the doubt she could hear in her lover’s voice. She knew Jocelyn just wanted to be sure Maryse wasn’t rushing into things without thinking first, but when had she _ever_ done something like that? If anything, Maryse was the type of person to think too much; she would never do something as huge as proposing or promising Jocelyn forever if she hadn’t thought about it long and hard beforehand.

Besides, she had had the ring for almost a year – or had it already been a year? Time seemed to fly when she was both at her happiest and unhappiest. If she had been sure about her feelings when she was barely 18-years-old, how could she not be sure now that she was a semi-functional adult with months of field experience in her pocket?

(It didn’t occur to her a single time that Jocelyn’s doubt might have something to do with her husband, the one she had supposedly promised her forever to already.)

“I didn’t mean- Maryse, come on, you know I didn’t mean that in a bad way,” Jocelyn huffed, tilting Maryse’s chin up until they were staring into each other’s eyes again. “I’m just asking because I really, _really_ want to pick that necklace up and have it close to my heart, but I don’t want to rush it and then make you feel like you can’t back out. I know you’ve probably thought about this under every possible angle, but you were never in front of me before, and that might have changed something.”

“It hasn’t,” Maryse said immediately, because if there was one thing she knew, it was that she still wanted nothing more than to be with Jocelyn. Forever, preferably, or at least until the day she died. “Nothing’s changed, so if you want to take it and officially make it- _oh_.”

Jocelyn’s fingers were no longer trembling as they unclasped the chain and clasped it again, locking it in place. She had unbuttoned the top of her camisole earlier, which meant Maryse got to admire the way the emerald shone brightly, nestled in between Jocelyn’s breasts, moving slightly every time the redhead breathed in and out.

“You know, I don’t think I need to see it on your finger to know it’s perfect for you,” Maryse said, letting her hands trail up the sides of Jocelyn’s body until one of them rested on her shoulder and the other curled around the ring protectively. “Fuck, Jocelyn, you’re the most beautiful woman in the entire world, and I- _Thank you_ for giving me a chance to live with you forever.”

“Oh please,” Jocelyn smirked, pulling Maryse close to her so their bodies were pressed flush together. “You’re not the only one who’s somehow scored the prettiest girl in the world; after all, I have you, don’t I?”

“Charmer,” Maryse chuckled, playfully hitting Jocelyn’s shoulder and inadvertently toppling them over so Maryse was laying on top of Jocelyn, breathing in her scent and capturing the redhead’s gasp with her mouth. “Compliments will get you everywhere, Joce, but they have to be sincere.”

“And they always will be,” Jocelyn giggled. “After all, I have a lot to live up to. My lover all but proposed to me in the most romantic way possible and told me she would leave her husband for me. I’m not sure things can get any better than this, except maybe if we find a way to get married.”

“Maybe we will,” Maryse sighed longingly, curling her fingers around a stray strand of red hair and staring at Jocelyn lovingly. “Maybe someday.”

That night, Maryse fell asleep dreaming about an emerald-adorned ring laying on a pale chest, a lifetime of stolen kissed and embraces, and a winter wedding in which she got to see her redheaded bride walk down the aisle.

_Maybe someday_.

* * *

Maryse had no idea where they were going.

Jocelyn’s first-year anniversary with Valentine was coming up, and the redhead was determined to bury that memory under thousands of others, dragging Maryse to secret Alicante clubs and showing her the best places she had discovered when she was out alone in the city. Maryse didn’t mind, of course, but a part of her wondered if Jocelyn knew how much she was hurting herself by acting like everything was okay.

Not that it was something Maryse wanted to focus on when they were trying to have a good night and enjoy one of the rare evenings they could spend together away from the Institute.

She had even given up on her need to know everything and had let Jocelyn plan a surprise, for a change, although she was starting to regret that decision. Wherever they were, it was colder than what Maryse had expected it would be on a late-August evening, and she could feel herself shivering slightly.

They had left the city, that was for sure, but it was hard to tell if they were heading towards the woods or towards the deserted fields they tended to avoid. Her eyes were banded, and Jocelyn’s hands were stopping her from reaching out to touch anything, so her heart was beating wildly with both excitement and slight fear of what was going to happen.

She trusted Jocelyn with her entire heart, soul, and body, but her best friend and lover sometimes got insane ideas that could get out of hand quite fast. Usually, Maryse would just sigh and go along with whatever Jocelyn wanted them to do, but she had to be up early for patrol the next day, and she couldn’t afford to be at anything but here best, especially since-

“Oh my god, I can’t see your eyes right now, but you look like you’re about to have a heart attack,” Jocelyn giggled, squeezing Maryse’s hands reassuringly. “I promise we’re not going to do anything dangerous. I checked this place out, as well as the people we’ll be meeting there, and there’s no reason for anything to go wrong. My contacts promised me there was nothing to be afraid of, no matter how unusual this is compared to what we usually do.”

“See, you’d think that might be reassuring,” Maryse grit her teeth as she stepped on something and almost stumbled into Jocelyn. “But when it comes to you and your plans, I am very rarely reassured, so I’ll believe it when I see it.”

“Raziel, you and surprises,” Jocelyn muttered. The redhead was probably rolling her eyes or sticking her tongue out at Maryse, taking advantage of the fact that the older woman couldn’t see her. “And don’t worry, we’re almost there; or at least I think we are, since I’ve never actually been _there_ before.”

Maryse bit back a groan at the lack of certainty in Jocelyn’s voice. She knew her lover meant well, and knew they would probably make it to their destination without incident, but was it any wonder Maryse was a little worried, considering the fact that even _Jocelyn_ wasn’t sure they were headed in the right direction? Sometimes, she wanted to shake the redhead by the shoulders and remind her there were dangerous things in the land around Alicante.

Things that could eat them. Things that could trick them. Things that could make them want to run straight back home and never leave the Institute again. Bad things that Maryse had heard about when she was a child and later at the Academy, and that she _really_ didn’t want to run into.

“You’re panicking again,” Jocelyn sing-songed, her tone teasing and light enough that Maryse couldn’t be too worried. Surely, if something was wrong, her lover wouldn’t sound so at ease. “It’s just around the corner. I can see the lights from here, the ones my friend promised were the main selling point of this place, and you could probably hear their voices if you stopped getting so lost in your own thoughts.”

At that, Maryse silenced her mind, ignoring the thoughts that tried to claw at its closed doors and focusing on the noises in the distance instead. As Jocelyn had promised, she could hear a few voices laughing and talking, and she relaxed minutely. She still wasn’t sure about this date idea, but at least it didn’t sound like anyone was getting slaughtered, and she couldn’t recognise a single voice, which meant they weren’t about to get caught.

“So you _do_ know how to not take things so seriously all the time,” Jocelyn chuckled, placing her hands on Maryse’s shoulders for a few seconds and surprising her with a kiss as she let her fingers untie Maryse’s mask. “You can open your eyes now, baby, I promise you won’t regret it.”

Breathing in deeply, Maryse complied, only to immediately lose her breath at the sight that greeted her. They were in the woods, which she had been starting to suspect, but she didn’t think she had ever seen this place before. It was a large clearing, big enough to hold at least a hundred people, and it was clearly being taken care of by someone who knew what they were doing.

There were fairy lights hanging from every single tree, illuminating the clearing with a soft glow, bright enough that Maryse could see what was going on, but dim enough that it was more romantic than anything the brunette had ever seen. Unlike what she had expected, they weren’t spending their evening at an outdoor restaurant. She had thought Jocelyn might have heard about this place from one of their shadowhunter friends, but now that she looked more closely, it seemed like all the people milling around were-

“ _Faeries_?” Maryse gaped, her eyes flitting from a pointy-eared blonde individual to a pale blue-skinned being and then to someone who’s entire body was covered in tiny roses, wrapped around them like vines. Everyone looked like they came from another realm – probably because they _did_ , Maryse reminded herself. “Holy shit, Jocelyn, how did you even hear about this? How did you _think_ about coming here in the first place? I thought you didn’t even like faeries anymore.”

“I- Well, I may have said that,” Jocelyn admitted, sniffing disgruntledly. “But I was wrong; I’ve always loved faeries, and I shouldn’t have let Valentine get to me with his charming words and persona. As for how I heard about this… A warlock stopped by the Institute two weeks ago and we got to talking. She came back a few days ago and told me I should check this place out if I ever wanted to take my partner on an epic date. Obviously, she hasn’t heard about who my husband is yet.”

“Or maybe she could tell there was more to you than what everybody else thinks,” Maryse pointed out, shrugging when Jocelyn looked at her incredulously. “I’m just saying. Most people don’t see what’s going on between the two of us because they’ve known us for a long time, but I guarantee that to people who have an open mind, we probably look more like a married couple than anyone else in that Institute.”

“That’s… Fair enough,” Jocelyn huffed. “Now, are you coming or not?”

“Coming where?” Maryse laughed, slightly overwhelmed by the amount of things that were going on around them. “Jocelyn, this isn’t just a restaurant we can sit down at and eat; it looks like there’s a hundred things happening at once.”

“So we choose the best place first!” Jocelyn exclaimed unhesitatingly, extending a hand towards Maryse. “Care to dance?”

Now, Maryse wasn’t much of a dancer. She had never been, and maybe she never would be, but there was something about dancing with Jocelyn that she could never refuse. Maybe it was because she loved the redhead enough to do just about anything for her, or maybe she just liked holding Jocelyn close. Either way, she wasn’t about to deny her something as simple as a dance, especially when the dance floor looked like the most incredible thing Maryse had ever seen.

There were faeries everywhere, undulating against each other and playing with the Nature around them, looking like the wind could take them away if it blew hard enough. The fairy lights above the dance floor were a little darker and a lot more colourful, reflecting rainbows on everyone’s faces. By the angel, Maryse had never seen anything as beautiful before.

Except Jocelyn, of course, who was the single most stunning thing in the world. Jocelyn, who grinned widely when Maryse took her hand and spun her onto the dance floor, easily catching onto the tune the musicians were playing. It wasn’t as loud as what they would find in one of their illegal shadowhunter clubs, and the melody was a lot slower than what Maryse was used to, but she was certain they could make it work.

A few of the faeries around them looked at them cautiously, as though they weren’t sure what to make of two shadowhunters in their midst, but Maryse didn’t pay them any mind. Instead, she twirled the woman she loved around, trying her best not to step on her toes, and she smiled softly as Jocelyn swayed against her slowly, letting her hands wrap around Maryse’s neck comfortingly.

They didn’t try to follow anyone’s lead, didn’t try to understand what was going on with the rest of the crowd; instead, they gazed into each other’s eyes and let themselves enjoy the time they had together. They both knew they would have to spend the end of the night with their husbands, who had started requesting favours from the both of them, and Maryse needed to lose herself in the wind just as much as the faeries clearly did.

“Quite magical, huh?” Jocelyn murmured as they left the dance floor and headed towards what looked like a small patch of flowers. There were people laying on it quietly, some kissing softly, nothing scandalous, and it was exactly the kind of atmosphere Maryse wanted at the moment. “Nothing like I’ve ever experience before, at least.”

“Yeah,” Maryse breathed out, still trying to calm her rapidly beating heart from the half hour they had spent dancing. Her moves had been slow and she had barely exerted herself, but something about the air had made her breathless and left her panting. “Yeah it really was magical. Do you think it’s something about the place, or the people?”

“How about both?” Jocelyn suggested, plopping herself down into the patch of flowers gracelessly and grinning when Maryse could only stare at her, completely smitten. Her best friend’s red hair stood out even more against the white flowers in the background, and Maryse wanted to keep her there forever, a perfect angel in a sea of beautiful petals. “Come on, sit down with me. I want to kiss you, and I can’t do that if you’re all the way up there.”

“What if I don’t want to kiss you?” Maryse asked, crossing her arms over her chest and raising her eyebrows smugly at Jocelyn.

“You always want to kiss me,” Jocelyn countered easily, winking at Maryse when she huffed and sat down next to her lover, pressing a soft kiss to her hair as she did so. “See, _always_.”

“Yes, well, no need to be so smug about it,” Maryse pouted, although she dutifully leaned in to kiss Jocelyn properly when the redhead turned her beautiful, pleading eyes her way.

They stayed there for a few minutes, locked together in a tender embrace, kissing each other softly as though nothing in the world could reach them if they were careful and delicate enough. They kissed and kissed and whispered sweet nothings into each other’s ears and basked in the fairy light’s glow, and Maryse wondered if time worked differently in the clearing.

She had heard about Seelie magic, had heard about the faerie realm in which time didn’t match up with their world’s and, for a second, Maryse let herself dream about taking Jocelyn away from this place. She thought about dragging her through a portal to another world so they could love each other in peace. It was never going to happen, obviously, but it never hurt to think about the many ways in which she could solve their problems if ever things went wrong.

“You know how we both thought there might have been faeries living around our cabin in the woods?” Jocelyn asked once they had both lain down on the grass, their fingers tangled together and flower crowns adorning their heads. “When we were younger, I mean.”

“Yes,” Maryse answered, smiling warmly as she thought about the rants Jocelyn had gone on when Maryse had refused to believe her. Up until the day when Jocelyn had decided to believe Valentine over anyone else, she had been adamant that there were other beings living in that cabin. “Why? Do you think these people might know about our cabin?”

“I think they might own it, honestly,” Jocelyn sighed, glancing around at the dozens of faeries milling around. “I mean, think about it; who else has access to the woods? Yes, shadowhunters can come and go as they please, but most of our abandoned houses are on the other side of the city. These woods aren’t meant for Nephilim, no matter how much some people clearly think they are, so it would make sense for the cabin to belong to a Seelie or an Unseelie.”

“It would explain why we were the only ones who were able to see it,” Maryse hummed thoughtfully. “Or at least, I think it would. I mean, why else would none of our classmates have completely ignored that wonderful place? I don’t know what makes us different, but maybe we unlocked something around the cabin that let us see and use it.”

“Maybe it’s this mysterious faerie’s way of saying they don’t mind us using it,” Jocelyn guessed quietly, tracing a pattern down Maryse’s arm and smirking when the brunette shivered. “Feeling cold, baby?”

“A little bit, yes,” Maryse huffed, refusing to talk about the effect Jocelyn had on her. No matter how kind the people in the clearing looked, they were still complete strangers, and Maryse didn’t want to talk about her feelings around them. “Speaking of, I think we should get home.”

“What?” Jocelyn whine, burying her head into the crook of Maryse’s neck. “Seriously? Why on earth would you want to leave this amazing place behind? Come on, Maryse, who knows when we’ll get to come here again! I know you’re worried about what people at the Institute will say, but we can just tell them we went to a club again. You know they’ll believe us, as they always have.”

“And Robert and Valentine?” Maryse raised her eyebrows. “Do you think they’ll believe us, or do you think they’ll just _smell_ the faerie on us? And by ‘they’, I mean Valentine. You know coming here was risky enough already, although I’ll never regret it, since I’ve never seen anything quite as wonderful as this clearing. Point is, we need to leave sooner rather than later.”

“I know,” Jocelyn sighed heavily. “I know we need to get out and go back to the city, but Raziel, I don’t want to. I want to stay here with you forever, forget all about our responsibilities and the families we’re supposed to be creating, and just… Enjoy our time together. I feel like we never get to do that.”

“We got to do it for a few hours,” Maryse pointed out, pressing a kiss to her best friend’s forehead. “I know it’s not ideal, but it’s better than nothing. Besides, we still got to go on a date and have a wonderful time, like every couple gets to do. The only difference is we won’t be sleeping in the same bed.”

“I miss the days when they let us have our separate rooms,” Jocelyn grumbled, kissing Maryse lightly a few times before pushing herself up and stretching her entire body in a way that made Maryse’s mouth dry up. “Oh no, don’t you dare look at me like that, absolutely not. If you want us to make it back to the Institute before 1, we need to get going right now.”

As much as Maryse wanted to pull Jocelyn back down and forget about the men waiting for them back in the city, she knew she couldn’t. Not yet. Maybe someday, but not yet, and that made all the difference.

She stood up and, with one last glance at the beautiful clearing around them and a smile at the sky, she took Jocelyn’s hand and headed out, hoping she would get to visit this place again, or at least dream of it once in a while.

Ideally, though, she would get to see it again in person, with Jocelyn and their future children by their side. They would tell them stories about their childhood and the cabin in the woods, and they would dance all night, and everything in the world would be right again.

_Maybe someday_ , her mind whispered encouragingly, and Maryse’s lips twitched into a hopeful smile.

Someday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heya guys! Thank you so much for reading! I really wanted to write a fluffy chapter in this fic, in which everything goes relatively write, so this happened! I hope you enjoyed it <3
> 
> Love, Junie.


	5. Jocelyn

After almost a year and a half at the Alicante Institute, Jocelyn was happier than she had ever been in her life. She had a stable job as one of the best shadowhunters in the world, a husband who mostly ignored her but had promised her the family she so desperately wanted, a few friends who supported her through everything, and a lover who was always at her side when she needed her most.

Her life was far from perfect but at least she was alive, and as happy as she could eb considering the circumstances. The Circle was getting worse, as she very well knew, but she was determined to ignore _that_ problem for as long as she possible could. She did her best to help out their local Downworld, made a few friends in unusual places, and pointedly closed her eyes when Valentine came back to their room with blood on his hands.

It was cowardly, she knew, but she refused to leave her life behind because of a psychotic husband who would eventually be killed by one of his own. None of them would stand for his genocidal tendencies in the end, except his fanatics, and Jocelyn knew the torture would end eventually.

So, she lived on. She lived on and told herself that at least she had Maryse; Maryse, who would never betray her, who understood how wrong what Valentine was doing was. Maryse, Maryse, _Maryse_.

“Daydreaming again, Morgenstern?”

Jocelyn grit her teeth at the sound of the last name she had claimed over a year ago. She knew no one meant any harm when they used it, but it never failed to grate at her nerves and make her want to punch the people who said it out loud in the face. Except she knew that voice, and she knew she would never forgive herself if she let something as petty as her last name get in the way of her friendship with the man.

“Lucian,” she said, smiling brittlely in his direction when the man took a seat next to her on the training bench. “I didn’t see you there. Got some early training in, did you?”

“Same as you,” he pointed out, cocking his head towards her blades. Jocelyn shrugged, conceding his point. “You’ve been awfully quiet lately, you know. Valentine is worried that you’re pulling away from him, even though he hasn’t said anything yet.”

“You can feel it?” Jocelyn asked, straightening in her seat at the thought of Valentine realising something was wrong. “That he’s worried, I mean? Because he hasn’t seemed particularly on edge to me, and he’s never said anything about me pulling away, and he’s as enthusiastic about our future as ever.”

“Hmm,” Lucian frowned, biting on his bottom lip as he shot her a concerned glance. “Well then, there goes _that_ theory.”

“What? Lucian, what are you talking about?” Jocelyn had a feeling she was missing something, although she had no idea what it could be, since she hadn’t noticed anything strange going on with her husband. Although really, when had she ever payed attention to Valentine? “So you _don’t_ think he’s worried about me?”

“I don’t know what he’s worried about at all,” Lucian admitted, clenching his hands into fists over his knees. “I thought maybe it had something to do with you, since you’re his wife and I know the two of you aren’t as close as some couples are, but… It could be so many things, really. Valentine, he’s- I think we both know he’s not as well as he used to be, and I’m worried that something bigger is going on.”

“Something bigger?” Jocelyn’s eyes widened as she thought about everything that might be going on with her husband. When it came to people as maniacal as Valentine Morgenstern, there was no telling what they were going to do next. “Lucian, what do you know that I don’t? You know I’m not allowed to be involved in Circle business now that he’s trying to get me pregnant.”

“That’s it, though,” Lucian murmured underneath his breath, looking around as though he was afraid Valentine would pop up out of nowhere. “He’s been obsessed with pregnancy ever since the new batch of Academy recruits arrived in September. At first, I though he just wanted a child, but- Jocelyn, I don’t think Valentine especially wants _you_ to have a child. I think he’s desperate for any of our colleagues to get pregnant, and I’m worried he has something in mind.”

“Something in mind for the children?” Jocelyn hissed. It was outrageous; no one would mess with shadowhunter children, no matter how desperate they were. “Lucian, don’t you think that’s taking things a bit far, even for Valentine? I know he hasn’t been completely normal these past few months, but it can’t be that bad, can it?”

“I don’t- I don’t know,” Lucian murmured. “I shouldn’t even be telling you this, not when there’s a chance you’ll go straight to him and- _Damn it_ , I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. The bond hasn’t been right for the past few months, and I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do about it. I want to tell you Valentine isn’t that bad, but why else would he be so obsessed with the idea of a child in our midst?”

“Maybe he just wants us to build a proper legacy,” Jocelyn answered, although she knew she was lying to herself before she even before the words slipped out of her mouth. “I don’t know what to tell you, Lucian. Besides, it’s not like any of us are pregnant yet. We’re all still relatively young and, even though Nephilim tend to have children young, we’ve only been out of school for a little over a year.”

“And most of the men are desperate to get heirs,” Lucian whispered, gazing at Jocelyn with something that looked an awful lot like pity. “Jocelyn… Everyone knows there’s a disaster coming in the near future, whether they’re truly on Valentine’s side or not. And I don’t know what side you’re on, but I think you know something is wrong too. So, there may not be any pregnancies yet, but there will be soon. Especially in the older families. All I’m saying is that you should be careful with your husband, and careful with your future children.”

And with that, he was standing up, nodding at someone as he left the training room. As busy as she was thinking about the meaning behind Lucian’s words, Jocelyn jumped up with a loud gasp as the mysterious person sat down next to her, only to slap the brunette woman _hard_ when she recognised Maryse.

“You scared the hell out of me!” She exclaimed, chuckling lightly. Her laughter trailed off awkwardly as she noticed the serious look on Maryse’s face, and she cleared her throat, a bad feeling lodging itself in her chest. “Maryse, is everything alright? Did you hear what Lucian was saying? Because I promise he’s probably just exaggerating, or there’s something else going on with Valentine, or-”

“This isn’t about Lucian,” Maryse cut her off, looking at her seriously, sorrow written all over her face. “It’s about us.”

Jocelyn’s heart froze. Her hand flew up to the ring laying against her chest, clutching at the piece of jewellery tightly and hoping beyond hope that Maryse wasn’t about to say what Jocelyn thought she was. Ever since they had gotten together, there had never been any doubt in Jocelyn’s mind that Maryse loved and wanted her. She had thought about breaking up with her lover several times, worried about what Valentine might do if he found out, but she had never-

She had never thought Maryse would be the one to break _her_ heart. Yet, as the brunette sat there, looking like the world had shifted underneath them and not making a move to hold Jocelyn’s hand, it felt like that was exactly what was going to happen. And Jocelyn… Jocelyn didn’t know what to do. She wasn’t prepared for this scenario, hadn’t thought about this option, and now she was frozen in place, unsure if there was anything she could do to save the only relationship she cared about in her life.

“Maryse…” She murmured, reaching out for the brunette and feeling a tear roll down her cheek when Maryse flinched away from her touch. “Maryse, what’s going on? Whatever it is, I’m sure we can work through it together, alright? I promise I won’t turn away from you, no matter what’s going on. I’ll always be there for you, just as I promised you.”

“It’s not always about you, Jocelyn,” Maryse whispered, her tone both accusatory and broken. “I know you think the only thing I care about in this world is you, but that’s not true. Maybe it was, once upon a time, but it’s not anymore, and I can’t- There are some things I’m not willing to risk even for your love, and this is one of them.”

“What are you talking about?” Jocelyn asked pleadingly, reaching out for her lover again and trapping Maryse’s hands in between her own. “Maryse, talk to me. Tell me what’s going on, please.”

There was a moment of silence, a pause during which the only thing Jocelyn could hear was the own pounding of her heart, and then Maryse breathed in deeply, her eyes filling with unimaginable sadness.

“I’m pregnant.”

The words echoed in the training room, clawing at Jocelyn’s heart and bringing a smile to Maryse’s face even as tears streamed down her face. As soon as they tumbled past Maryse’s lips, Jocelyn knew she didn’t stand a chance, no matter what Maryse had promised her in the past. And she also knew she couldn’t understand, not yet.

“And you don’t want to be with me anymore, because you want the child to have a stable family,” Jocelyn concluded, trying not to sound as bitter as she felt. Maryse opened her mouth to protest, but Jocelyn cut her off with a single gesture of her hand. “Don’t apologise, _please_ , and don’t tell me I’m wrong, because I don’t think I could handle any other explanation. I don’t think I could handle a story of how you finally fell in love with Robert and decided to become a faithful wife.”

“Of _course_ I don’t love Robert,” Maryse breathed out, shaking her head at Jocelyn as though she couldn’t quite comprehend what the redhead had just implied. “Jocelyn, you’re the only person I’ve ever loved, and probably the only one I ever will. But this child… I can feel them, they’re inside of me, and it wouldn’t be fair of me to have an affair with someone else whilst they’re growing up completely unaware. Because you know that’s what would have to happen, right? Our children would never be able to know, and they would hate us for the secrets we would have to keep.”

“I thought that was a risk you were willing to take,” Jocelyn said, wiping away her tears and trying to hold them in for a while longer. Just a while longer, until she could step away from Maryse and properly express her sorrow. “But I suppose there are quite a few things I don’t know about you, in the long run. After all, how am I to know about the things that happen when you’re alone with Robert?”

“Don’t you dare act as though that’s my fault,” Maryse snapped, wrenching her hands out of Jocelyn’s weak grasp. “I don’t know anything about your life with Valentine either, so don’t act like I’m in the wrong when it comes to Robert.”

“You _married_ him,” Jocelyn growled, knowing she wasn’t making any sense but too far gone to take the words back. “You married him even though you were in love with someone else because you were too selfish to spend the rest of your life alone. You married him fully conscious of what you were breaking in the process, and that’s on _you_ , Maryse!”

“Yes, it is,” the brunette said unflinchingly, her lips pressed tight together as she stared at Jocelyn with something that looked an awful lot like disdain. “It’s on me the same way your marriage is on you. I thought we were over that, but I guess I don’t know you either. I’m not here to talk about all the terrible mistakes I’ve made over the past few years, Jocelyn; I’m here to tell you that we can’t see each other outside of the Institute anymore.”

“Because you don’t trust yourself not to come back to me?” Jocelyn scoffed.

“Exactly.”

Jocelyn’s breath hitched at the simple word, and all her anger melted out of her body as she took in the defeated hunch of Maryse’s shoulders. Her lover didn’t want this any more than she did. She wasn’t doing this to be cruel, or because she didn’t love Jocelyn anymore. She was doing this for her child, the innocent being growing inside of her, and although Jocelyn didn’t completely understand why that had changed things, she knew she could never despise Maryse for wanting to do right by her children.

“You’re still my best friend,” she said softly, closing her eyes when Maryse turned to look at her hopefully. “I don’t- I’m not going to lie and say I don’t want you to change your mind, because I do, but I also understand it’s probably not going to happen. At least not right now. I’m also not saying I want to spend all my time with you, because that would just be a whole other level of self-harm, but you’re still my best friend. You’ve always been the person I loved most in this world, and you always will be. If you think breaking up with me is what’s best for the both of us as well as your baby, then I won’t hold you back.”

“Thank you,” Maryse murmured. “ _Thank you_ , for not making this any harder than it already is. For not making me choose between you and this child, no matter how tempting it must be. And Jocelyn, we can still raise our children together; I’m just not sure we can do it as lovers, not whilst we’re still with our husbands.”

“But if you ever manage to file for divorce…” Jocelyn said, her eyes lighting up with the slightest bit of hope.

“If I ever file for divorce, I would love nothing more than to make good on my promise,” Maryse said, her fingers trailing over the emerald-adorned ring lightly, a smile curling at her lips. “This isn’t goodbye forever, Jocelyn. I could never say goodbye to you forever. This is just… This is a temporary fix, the only fix that won’t completely destroy my future family.”

Jocelyn nodded, relief flooding her soul as she told herself this wasn’t permanent. She would get Maryse back eventually, even if it took time and patience and plenty of other things Jocelyn didn’t have in abundance. No matter the obstacles, though, at least she would get Maryse back eventually.

As her thoughts realigned and her mind stopped swirling painfully, the meaning behind everything Maryse had been saying truly hit her, and horror clutched at her heart, threatening to spill out of her body.

“Jocelyn? Jocelyn, what is it?” Maryse asked, panicked, her worried eyes boring into Jocelyn’s with an intensity that snapped the redhead out of her downward spiral. “Hey, what’s going on? I thought we were getting somewhere, I thought- I thought you wouldn’t mind waiting for a little while if it meant we got to be together eventually.”

“I don’t mind,” Jocelyn said, her voice cracked and hoarse and wet with unspilled tears. “But Maryse, you’re _pregnant_.”

“Um, yeah,” Maryse frowned confusedly. “That’s the entire point behind this conversation, Joce, I thought you got that the first time I told you. But yes, I’m pregnant, about two and a half months along, according to my doctor.”

“Does Valentine know?” Jocelyn asked, shaking her best friend lightly as she waited for an answer, her fingers tightening when Maryse’s face paled. “Maryse, did you tell my husband that you’re expecting a child? Did Robert? Because if you did… Maryse, Lucian was saying- He was saying some things about Circle children, and I didn’t think anyone was pregnant, but if you’re…”

“I haven’t told him yet,” Maryse interrupted her ramblings. “I haven’t even told Robert. You’re the first person to find out, since you’re- Well, let’s just say the only people I want finding out about my child are the ones I consider family, and you’re definitely first on that list.”

At any other time, Jocelyn would have taken the time to kiss Maryse and tell her she was her family too. She would have basked in the knowledge that the brunette truly _did_ still love her, no matter how contradictory her actions seemed. She would have been over the moon at finding out her best friend was about to have the child she had always dreamed of having. Instead, all she felt was a strange mix of dread and relief.

“Don’t tell anyone,” she said urgently, making sure her stare was completely serious as she stared at Maryse. “Not even Robert. Keep your pregnancy a secret for as long as you possible can, alright? Don’t breathe a word of it to anyone else, no matter how much you might want to. I know pregnancies are usually exciting news, but we’re at the edge of a war, and Lucian thinks Valentine might have some crazy plan in mind for the next generation of shadowhunters.”

“You think he might do something to my child?” Maryse frowned, her arms wrapping around her stomach protectively.

“I think that none of us understand what goes on in my husband’s mind,” Jocelyn answered. “And I think Lucian knows him better than anyone thanks to their bond, so I’m going to trust him this time. Do _not_ tell him about your child, Maryse, not until it’s too late for him to do anything. Hide it, run away to your parents for a while if that’s what it takes, but _please_ , please take care of yourself and of your baby.”

“But if I run away, I won’t be able to see you,” Maryse pointed out, her eyes full of pain and unshed tears. “Jocelyn, if I leave right now and keep this a secret, I’ll only be able to come back once the child is born, and who knows what might have happened to you in the meantime. What if _you_ get pregnant?”

“Well then, I’ll deal with the consequences of choosing a murderer for a husband,” Jocelyn smiled brokenly, caressing Maryse’s cheek gently before standing up and taking a deep, steadying breath. When she looked at her best friend again, her eyes were shining determinedly. “You, on the other hand, are lucky enough to have a husband who’s not completely insane, and who will probably put your heir before Valentine’s wishes. So run, Maryse, and only come back when it’s safe for you. I can take care of myself.”

“I know you can,” Maryse whispered as Jocelyn walked away. “I just wish you didn’t have to.”

Her words echoed inside Jocelyn’s mind as she left the room, but she didn’t let herself look back at her best friend. Maryse was smart, and Jocelyn trusted her to do the right thing for her baby.

She could only hope that when the time came, Jocelyn would manage to do what was right for _hers_.

* * *

Life without Maryse was unbearably hard.

Jocelyn hadn’t even realised how much she relied on Maryse to make her happy until the woman was no longer around to provide Jocelyn with the joy she so desperately needed. She felt like she was living life in slow motion, every day trickling by slower than the one before. Time had never felt like more of a dead weight on Jocelyn’s shoulders.

She grew closer to Luke, finding comfort in the single other person who apparently wasn’t fooled by Valentine’s charming exterior anymore. They talked about the mistakes they had both made, the main one being tying themselves to a merciless who wouldn’t hesitate to kill them if he found out they no longer agreed with his principles. She grew closer to the Downworld side of Alicante too, or at least to the downworlders who lived around Alicante.

She barely spent any time with her husband, who was too busy to notice how absent his wife had been over the past few months. He worked harder than ever, and only really Jocelyn in bed at night, so she gave him what he wanted when the moon was up and wrote love letters to Maryse during the day. She trained harder than ever, even as the life of a shadowhunter started wearing at her and making her feel like she didn’t belong.

Every day was a struggle, and the only thing Jocelyn looked forward to was Maryse’s return. She dreamed about it at night, thought about it when she chased after demons, and hoped to catch a glimpse of her every time she was sent on a mission outside of the city limits. She didn’t know where the Trueblood family home was, yet she couldn’t help but look into the distance when she left the safety of Alicante, hoping she would catch a glimpse of the woman she loved.

And then, one month before Maryse was supposed to come back with a baby in her arms, Jocelyn took a pregnancy test. The results were instantaneous, and she had no idea how to feel about it. When Maryse talked about her son – because it was to be a boy – in her letters, she spoke of an indescribable joy, of love and devotion beyond anything she had ever felt in the past. She spoke about her unborn child as though it was the only thing keeping her going, and Jocelyn…

Oh, Jocelyn couldn’t wait to meet her baby, but she also dreaded the moment when she had to tell her husband about the good news. Luke had told her all about the experiments he had led on one of the Circle’s lower members, experiments that had led to the woman’s death as well as the baby’s, and Jocelyn didn’t want that for herself.

She held off for as long as she could, hoping it would be too late for her husband to experiment on her even though she knew it was a futile hope. She hid her pregnancy as best as she could, only telling Maryse and Luke, as well as the doctor who was taking care of her.

Eventually, though, she couldn’t hide it any longer. She was getting bigger, so she caved and told Valentine that they were expecting. The man, as she had assumed he would be, was overjoyed. He was kinder to her than he had ever been before and, although Jocelyn was ashamed to admit it, she let herself be lulled into a sense of false security. For weeks, he didn’t do anything.

He treated her with nothing but patience and kindness, and Jocelyn let herself forget that she had married a psychopath. She told Maryse they had been wrong and didn’t listen to her best friend’s concerns. A part of her knew that she was only fooling herself by believing Valentine was no longer the sick man he had been for the past two years, but she didn’t want to let go of the illusion.

And then she started feeling sick, sicker than she ever had before; her veins turned black when she tried to touch adamas, and her baby didn’t feel as right as it once had. It didn’t take her long to realise her husband had been drugging her or experimenting on her without her consent and, by the time she noticed the changes in her body, it was too late to go back.

She didn’t let Valentine know she was onto him, didn’t want to let him see her weaknesses, didn’t want to let him win, so she hid it. She finally told Maryse about her concerns, about everything that had been going wrong, and she accepted her best friend’s reassurances with open arms. She talked to her child, told it she was sorry and tried to ignore the guilt that gnawed at her stomach every time she thought about the darkness she could feel in her own child.

And when Maryse came back with her son… Jocelyn had never felt more jealous in her entire life, and she had had to watch the woman she loved go out with her husband again and again and again. However, nothing compared to the anger that flashed through her when she first met Alexander Lightwood, with his dark hair and his light eyes and his alabaster skin. He looked perfect, just as Jocelyn knew he would, and yet she couldn’t help the small simmer of resentment that stirred in her soul when she first saw him.

It disappeared almost immediately, of course, but it didn’t make Jocelyn feel any better about herself or the many mistakes she had been making over the last couple of months.

“He’s beautiful,” she told her best friend, not wanting to make this perfect moment bitter by expressing the way she truly felt. “And he got so many of the Trueblood genes, luckily for him. He’s going to be a heart-breaker when he’s older.”

“Oh please,” Maryse scoffed, letting one of her fingers trail down Alexander’s cheek softly, her eyes full of love. “He’ll be the sweetest boy in the world, let me tell you. With two women like us in his life, he’ll know nothing but love, strength, and all the good things a man should grow up with.”

“Hmm,” Jocelyn hummed, her hand unconsciously settling over her stomach and giving away some of the insecurities she had been trying to bury deep inside her mind. Maryse stared at her concernedly, worry written all over her beautiful features, and Jocelyn could do nothing but look away from that intense gaze. “It’s fine. It’s nothing. I’m just happy at least one of our sons will get to grow up normally.”

“Sons?” Maryse asked, and Jocelyn loved her so much, she loved her even more for completely ignoring the elephant in the room. “I wasn’t aware you were far enough along to find out yet.”

“Only just got the results last week,” Jocelyn explained. “Valentine has already settled on a name. He wants his heir to be a proper shadowhunter, which means we’ll probably be naming him…”

“Jonathan,” Maryse completed for her, a slight wince gracing her features before she covered it up. “It’s an honourable name. I’m sure he and Alexander will get along wonderfully. We’ll have to organise play dates and make sure they know each other from a very young age, since they’ll practically be brothers.”

“It wouldn’t be ‘practically’ if I had any say in the matter,” Jocelyn mumbled, even though she knew she was being unfair. Maryse hadn’t been the only one to decide they were better off raising their children with their fathers for a little while. Both women knew they would be expected to give their husbands at least two children, maybe even more, so they weren’t delusional enough to think they would be getting away anytime soon. But god did Jocelyn want to get away. “I’m sorry, I’ve just been a little bit on edge lately with everything that’s been going on lately.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Every time Luke had asked her that same question, Jocelyn’s answer had been no. No, she didn’t want to talk about her crazy husband. No, she didn’t want to talk about how much she loved her son but also dreaded what he would be like one he came out of her body. No, she didn’t want to talk about what she had in mind for the future, because the truth was she had _no clue_.

But this wasn’t Luke. This wasn’t just her close friend who doubted Valentine but had never tried to sever his bond to him. This was Maryse, Jocelyn’s best friend, her lover – even though they had put a pause on that – and the woman she had always loved. This was the one person she trusted more than anyone in the world. So, as Alexander grabbed onto Jocelyn’s hair and pulled lightly, giggles bubbling past his lips, Jocelyn said yes for the first time since she had realised how wrong things were with Valentine.

“It’s the baby,” she explained, tightening the hand that lingered over her stomach and ignoring the way the baby kicked, even though it should have been too young to do that. “I’m not sure what’s wrong with him exactly, but Valentine’s been feeding me something without my knowledge or consent, and I can’t figure out what it is, but Maryse… I think it might be- I think it might be _demon blood_.”

Silence settled around them as the brunette processed Jocelyn’s words, her eyes widening comically as she realised this wasn’t a joke. This wasn’t Jocelyn throwing an insane theory out into the open; this was real, and it was terrifying. It was her body being used as a host to an experiment that would horrify just about everyone she knew if they found out. It was her husband, putting an unknown substance into her bloodstream in the hopes of changing their baby and making him into something else, something Jocelyn was terrified of meeting.

“Wouldn’t that go against everything he stands for?” Maryse frowned, rocking Alexander in her arms as he started fussing. “I mean, we all know Valentine is a blood purist who wants shadowhunters to reign supreme, so why taint one of ours with demon blood? Not that… Not that your son is necessarily going to be tainted, Joce. There’s still a chance he’ll be a normal Nephilim just like Alexander. There’s a chance the experiment isn’t working and you’ll both be completely okay, alright?”

“I’m not sure there is, actually,” Jocelyn murmured. “He’s acting in a way most babies shouldn’t be at this age. He moves too much, and he _hurts_ _me_ without even realising it. My blood burns every time I touch my stomach, and I can’t touch adamas without being hurt anymore. Something’s wrong, Maryse, and I don’t think it’s me. I think I’m just this baby’s conduit, and I think it won’t be a true shadowhunter when it comes out of me. I want to love him, I really do, and I would love a faerie or a warlock as much as I would love a shadowhunter, but a demon? A demon I’m not sure I could handle.”

“Maybe… Maybe he’ll just be like a faerie,” Maryse said, although she was clearly unconvinced by what she was saying. “Demon blood combined with angelic blood makes a faerie, right? Why would your son be any different?”

“Because he also has human blood,” Jocelyn pointed out, losing hope as Maryse only repeated the arguments Jocelyn had used inside her own mind. “Look, it’s just- I’ve come to terms with it, in a certain way, but I- I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to love my son as much as you love Alexander if he comes out as I think he might. His father might not care about what he’s doing to our children, but I do. And if we have a second child, I’ll make it very clear that I would rather lose a child than have another demonic one.”

“Joce…” Maryse murmured, cupping Jocelyn’s cheek and looking at her with an infinite amount of sadness and compassion. “You deserve all the happiness in the world, my love, and I hope this son of yours comes out a shadowhunter. But if he doesn’t… If he doesn’t, we’ll all make sure your second child is as shadowhunter as a shadowhunter can be, alright? You and I, and maybe even Luke, since you told me he was having second doubts about Valentine and the Circle.”

“And if it doesn’t work?” Jocelyn whispered. “If he uses demon blood again and keeps poisoning me to give him more children until I die from over-exposure?”

“We won’t let it come to that,” Maryse said and, this time, her voice was full of nothing but certainty. “If your second child is harmed by Valentine’s experiences, we’ll get you away from him and make sure he can never touch you again. You could raise Alexander and my other children with me when Robert and I get a divorce, and it’ll all be alright.”

It sounded like a dream and, even though Jocelyn knew Maryse and she would never be given custody of Alexander together, she couldn’t help but imagine what it would be like. How heavenly would it be, to raise a child together and give them the life they deserved?

“Besides, Alexander already loves you,” Maryse added, pointing at her son who had never once taken his eyes off Jocelyn. “He’s got good taste, just like his mama. So really, you have nothing to worry about. If Jonathan turns out to be more like his father than like you, you’ll always have us. We’ll always be your family, Jocelyn. Even now, when we’re- When we’re figuring things out, you’re still my family. You’re still the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. I know nothing is perfect right now; I know we live in a time of change that’s hard on us and on our families, but we have each other, don’t we?”

“Yeah,” Jocelyn breathed out, yearning for Maryse’s touch and her kisses but knowing it would be inappropriate to attempt something when they had decided to take some time away from each other. “We’ll always have each other. That’s what the ring is for, isn’t it?”

“That’s exactly what the ring is for,” Maryse nodded, letting her hand stop just above the piece of jewellery, as though she longed for Jocelyn’s touch just as much as Jocelyn longer for hers. “And someday, we’ll have that forever. We’ll have it with Alexander, and maybe with Jonathan, and with our other children. And more importantly, we’ll have it with each other.”

“But first, we need to get away from our husbands, Maryse, and that’s not going to be as easy as it sounds,” Jocelyn pointed out. “I mean, Robert might be amenable to a divorce, but Valentine… It’s not looking good, Maryse.”

“So we come up with a plan,” Maryse shrugged, determination written over every inch of her body. “We talk to Robert, and to Luke, and maybe even to a few downworlders. We make sure that the Circle’s plans are thwarted repeatedly without having the attention brought onto ourselves. We raise our children as far away from his influence as we possibly can, and we do it the right way. And then, when the time comes, Valentine _will_ die.”

Jocelyn froze. She had always known that was what had to happen. Valentine was a psychopath who had to be stopped before his genocidal tendencies turned into _actual_ genocide. She had even dreamed about it, about stabbing him when he thought he was safe and never having to deal with him again. She knew most people would cheer her on, and yet a part of her broke apart as she realised she would lost her husband, the father of her children.

She didn’t care about the man. She hated him for what he had done to her and hated him even more for what he was doing to the world around them. She hated that he was trying to separate the shadowhunters from the downworlders again, even as talk of the reformed Accords was circulating around Alicante. But he was her husband. He was the man who should have protected her against all evils in the world, the man who should have given her children to love. Now all she had was a relationship she couldn’t stand, as well as a son who was more likely than not a monster.

“And then I’ll be free,” Jocelyn said out loud, not voicing the rest of her concerns. Maryse could probably read her emotions right off her face anyways, so there was no need for her to get her insecurities out in the open. “Free to do whatever I want.”

“Free to live with me,” Maryse corrected, giggling when Jocelyn shook her head at her fondly. “I’m serious. Once all of this is over, in a year or two, I’ll take you to your favourite city in the world and treat you to all its wonders. We’ll raise our families and protect the world from demons whilst allying ourselves to downworlders, and we’ll be the happiest women in the world. How does that sound?”

It sounded impossible. It sounded like something everyone else got, but never Jocelyn. It sounded like something straight out of a mundane’s fairy tale. It certainly didn’t sound like anything Jocelyn had ever thought could happen to her. And yet, she knew that wasn’t what Maryse was asking her.

“It sounds perfect.”

And it did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heya guys! Thank you so much for reading! I've been in the perfect mood to finish this fic lately, so i'm trying to get all these chapters out in a row. I hope you all enjoyed this slightly less fluffy but nevertheless not completely angsty chapter!
> 
> Love, Junie.


	6. Maryse

It took them a little over a month to plan a meeting with both Luke and Robert. It wasn’t that the two men didn’t get along, because they did, but their schedules seemed to clash at every corner. Whenever Robert was free, Luke had to do something for Valentine, and vice-versa. It didn’t take long for Maryse and Jocelyn to realise that Valentine suspected _something_ was going on, although they doubted he knew what.

However, Maryse had known organising the meeting would be the hardest part of their plan to get out of their marriages safely and sanely, preferably with their children by their side. She wasn’t sure she could completely trust Robert, but she knew that, no matter how much he loved Alexander, he loved his mistress more. She didn’t think it would take much convincing on her end.

“And if he betrays us to Valentine?” Jocelyn asked her for what felt like the hundredth time in ten minutes. Maryse could never be truly mad at her, but there were times when she wanted to shut Jocelyn up with a kiss more than anything else – although that might have been because she _really_ wanted to kiss the woman she loved again.

“I don’t know how many times you need me to tell you that won’t happen,” Maryse sighed, taking Jocelyn’s shaky fingers in her own as they waited for Luke and Robert to join them in their cabin.

They had been reluctant to share their little corner of paradise with anyone else, but they knew it was the only place in Alicante Valentine didn’t know about, and they didn’t want to risk their conversation being overheard by the wrong people. What they were doing didn’t break any shadowhunter laws, but it _did_ break a few Circle rules, and they all knew what the consequences to that were.

“I’m sorry, I’m just- I’m nervous, I suppose, and I don’t want to think about what might happen if Robert betrays us and our plan fails because of him,” Jocelyn murmured, squeezing Maryse’s hand one last time before letting it go as Luke knocked on the cabin door softly. “Coming, Luke!”

Unsurprisingly, the two men had shown up together. They were friends, after all, and Maryse knew they were suspicious of hers and Jocelyn’s intentions. They all liked each other, had all gone to school together, but Jocelyn and Maryse had always been very separate from everyone else outside of group gatherings. It was no secret that together, they were a deadly team, so Luke and Robert had done well in showing up as a united front.

“Maryse,” Robert tilted his head to the side and smiled softly at the brunette as he walked into the room. He wasn’t a bad man, and Maryse had often wondered whether she could have truly loved him, in another life. A life without Jocelyn. “Should we skip the pleasantries?”

“I think we should,” Jocelyn answered, her fingers wringing themselves nervously in front of her again, now that Maryse was no longer there to hold onto them. “With my pregnancy… Let’s just say Valentine isn’t as lenient with my absences as he used to be. He wouldn’t hurt me or risk the baby, but I don’t want to find out what kind of punishment I would get for showing up late to dinner.”

“And that’s the problem, really,” Luke muttered, sitting onto the cabin ‘couch’ – it was more of a blob of fabric than anything. “No one should fear punishment from their husband and leader, no matter how all-powerful that leader believes himself to be. We all know Valentine isn’t the same man he used to be. We all know joining the Circle was a smart move back then, but now- Now it looks like we’re on the losing side and, quite frankly, I wouldn’t want to have it any other way. However, I think we all agree we can’t just let things go on as they have been these past few months.”

“Absolutely,” Maryse nodded decisively, leaning against the steadiest wall in the cabin and levelling both Robert and Luke with a serious stare. “It’s the reason why we asked you to come here, actually. We need a plan, and we don’t think we can create a proper one without your help.”

“Actually admitting you’re in need of assistance?” Robert chuckled, raising his eyebrows at Maryse. “This has to be more dire than anything we’ve ever had to deal with in our lives, then.”

“It’s _Valentine_ ,” Jocelyn pointed out, smirking when Robert at least had the grace to look slightly sheepish. “It’s going to be hard to get more dire than that, at least for a little while. Look, Robert, I’m not going to lie and say I trust you, but Maryse thinks we need you, so if you could please _try_ to behave.”

“Joce…” Maryse frowned, shutting her mouth when Robert interrupted her with a small gesture of his hand.

“It’s fine, Maryse,” Robert waved her concerns away. “Jocelyn has a point. I tend to forget that we’re not talking about our charming and charismatic classmate anymore.”

“We’re talking about a man who’s killed hundreds of downworlders just for sport,” Luke agreed, his eyes turning dark at the thought. “A man who betrayed our oath the second he started keeping things from me for his own benefit. A man who won’t hesitate to kill everyone who gets in the way of his ultimate goal. And really, a man who deserves to die for everything he’s done and is planning on doing. It’s not pretty.”

“How bad are we talking?” Maryse asked, suddenly worried that Jocelyn and she had grossly underestimated the extent of Valentine’s evil ways. “Jocelyn and I haven’t been allowed to attend meetings ever since we announced our pregnancies, which means we’ve been guessing at everything for the past few months.”

“He’s planning something big,” Robert explained, his voice graver than Maryse had ever heard it. “Something so big that no one has been given all the pieces. Luke and I have slightly more information, since we’re his most trusted who also happen to talk to each other about what he’s told us, but even _we_ have no clue what the true goal is. He seems to think no shadowhunters will be hurt in the process, but that implies…”

“It implies downworlders won’t have that same luxury,” Jocelyn murmured, looking at Maryse with horror written all over her face. “Are we talking about an event? Is this going to be some huge massacre, or is he going to keep on doing the same thing he’s been doing so far?”

“A little bit of both, probably,” Luke admitted. “I’ve been told to prepare for a major change, something so huge I’m having trouble imagining it, but Robert has been asked to maintain our usual forces. It’s getting hard to justify the losses, and it’s getting even harder to explain the lack of deaths on our part. We’ve been trying… We’ve been trying to correct our behaviours and side with the downworlders whenever we can, but it’s not as easy as it seems.”

“Tell us about it,” Maryse huffed. “Everywhere you look, there’s another member of the Circle hanging around and looking at us like hawks. They’re waiting for us to make a mistake and, honestly, there’s a chance they’ll end up catching us if we don’t up our game. Which is why we need a plan.”

“What kind of plan are we talking about?” Robert inquired, frowning at Maryse when she failed to answer. Jocelyn and Luke were just as silent, and Maryse could tell the exact moment when he realised what they were trying to do. “Raziel, we’re not here to plan another revolution, are we? We’re here to plan a _murder_.”

“It’s the only way to make sure he can’t hurt anyone ever again,” Jocelyn murmured, her hand rubbing against her stomach soothingly. “He’s been experimenting on unborn babies, Robert, and he’s been killing downworlders mindlessly ever since we left the Academy. Nothing about this is right, and I don’t think a simple revolution is going to stop him, since the Circle is also a revolution in itself. Not the type I would ever condone, but a revolution nevertheless.”

“Alright,” Robert breathed out, glancing at the three of them uncertainly before nodding slowly. “Alright. Now, what can I do to help?”

“The murder itself would preferably have to be Luke’s doing,” Maryse explained gently, sending an apologetic look in Luke’s direction at her words. Parabatai oaths were strong things, and a part of her balked at her own suggestion, but Jocelyn and she had talked about this in length and had always reached the same conclusion. “And the planning isn’t going to be that complicated, really. It’s all about unsettling him little by little, getting in the way of his missions and making sure we get as little casualties as is possible.”

“If he really does have something big planned, as he told the two of you, then the murder should ideally happen there,” Jocelyn added, tapping her fingers against her chin as she thought. “But we need you for something else, Robert. We need you to help us if things fail. If the plan doesn’t work out, we’re going to need to do a few things, and we’re going to need your help.”

“Me?” Robert’s eyebrows flew up. “I’m your Plan B?”

“Oh no,” Maryse snorted. “You’re not even our Plan A. However, you are my husband which, I suppose, is the problem. If things don’t go according to plan, Jocelyn and I will be leaving Alicante and hiding in the mundane world. I need you to accept my offer for divorce when I give it to you, even if it happens sooner than either of us thought it would.”

“Sooner than…?” Robert started, cutting himself off and staring between Maryse and Jocelyn with wide eyes as the pieces finally clicked in place. “She’s your mistress, isn’t she? The person you’ve been seeing for months, or at least the person you were seeing before we left to go see your parents and take care of Alexander.”

Luke’s jaw dropped slightly as his gaze flickered from Maryse to Jocelyn and back again. Clearly, he had been just as clueless as Robert was, which answered Maryse’s question as to whether or not Jocelyn had told the man about their liaison. Her heart warmed as she realised that, even once they had decided to take a break, Jocelyn had remained loyal to her and their secret.

“She is,” Maryse nodded, gazing lovingly at Jocelyn as the redhead turned to look at her. “I’ve been in love with her for a very long time and, as you know…”

“Nephilim only love once,” Robert completed for her. “I’m aware. You know about my mistress too, don’t you? That’s how you knew I had already been considering a divorce, no matter how distasteful everyone else would find it.”

“Of course I know,” Maryse chuckled, shaking her head exasperatedly at her husband. “I’m not blind, Robert, and I knew what to look for since I was doing the same thing with Jocelyn. We haven’t- We had to put our relationship on hold for a while, since we don’t want Valentine to find out and mess things up, but I was always going to file for divorce eventually.”

“This explains so much,” Luke hummed from his place next to Jocelyn. The redhead slapped his arm playfully, narrowing her eyes at him when he only laughed. “I’m just saying, there are a lot of things I never understood about your relationship, but now that I know it’s romantic? Oh, it makes so much sense. The fact that you both asked for individual rooms after your wedding, all the sneaking around that you thought no one noticed, the lack of attraction both of you clearly had for your husbands… However, why marry Valentine and Robert in the first place, if you were already in love?”

Jocelyn winced, but Maryse rolled her eyes at the question. When her best friend opened her mouth to answer, she shook her head firmly and levelled Luke with an unimpressed stare.

“That’s none of your business, Garroway,” she said softly. “Jocelyn and I have both done things we’re not particularly proud of, but we don’t need you here to tell us about all the mistakes we’ve made. Robert, will you help us?”

“I’ll accept the divorce if you ask for it, Maryse,” the man answered easily, before a hard glint entered his eyes and set Maryse on edge. Whatever he was about to say next, she knew it was going to get in the way of their so-far-so-good plan. “I won’t, however, accept to be torn away from my son. If you want to take Alexander from me, you’ll have to fight for me. I won’t be running away from here, no matter how bad things get, which means I won’t be able to see him if you disappear into the mundane world. So I’ll give you what you want, but only if you leave our son behind to be raised as the shadowhunter he should be.”

Maryse’s heart caught in her throat. She had known it wouldn’t be easy to get Alexander away from Robert, but she hadn’t expected him to call her out on her plan before she could even voice it out loud. Truth was, there had never been a doubt in her mind that she would get custody of her son, no matter how patriarchal their society was. He was _her_ son, the boy she had been holding in her arms and rocking to sleep for months now, and she wasn’t going to let Robert or anyone else take that away from him.

She exchanged a quick look with Jocelyn and knew her best friend understood exactly what she was trying to say. Plan B wasn’t going to work, not if it meant having to leave Alexander behind, which meant it was time for Plan C.

“Alright,” she whispered. “I’ll fight you for Alexander when the time comes, but I promise I _will_ win. You’re not the worst father he could have gotten, but you’re far from as good as you seem to think you are. Besides, when it comes down to the fine details, shadowhunters will always give the child to the mother, especially since I haven’t done anything wrong in their eyes.”

This time, the flash in Robert’s eyes was a mix of fear and anger, and Maryse knew that, whatever alliance they had formed that day, it wouldn’t extend to their son. It wouldn’t extend to the single thing keeping Robert and her together so far. Robert wasn’t a bad man, which was why he wouldn’t let his son go so easily, but Maryse wasn’t a good woman either, which was why she would take Alexander no matter how heartbroken her husband ended up.

Only two things mattered to her in the world: her son’s happiness, and Jocelyn’s safety. Everyone else would have to look out for themselves, because Maryse didn’t have the time to take care of the entire world.

“You don’t think sleeping with a woman will count as an offence in their eyes?” Robert crossed his arms over his chest and looked Maryse up and down dismissively. “You may be powerful and a strong shadowhunter in your own right, but you ruined your chances as soon as you started dallying with another woman.”

“And how will you prove there was ever anything going on between Jocelyn and I?” Maryse raised her eyebrows. “The only thing you know is we used to have an affair, and you don’t even have a written confession to go with that. I’m sorry to say this, Robert, but you won’t find any proof. Jocelyn and I have been careful.”

“I’m sure you have,” Robert hummed. “But will you be careful in the future? Now that we know, it would be all too easy to follow you in the middle of the night, take a few pictures, and show the Clave just how far gone you are. I don’t want to out you to the world, Maryse, but I will if that’s what it takes for me to keep Alexander.”

“And what makes you so sure Jocelyn and I are going to get back together before the divorce?” Maryse asked, gritting her teeth when Robert only looked at her as though the answer was obvious. And really, it was.

“Love always wins in the end, Maryse,” her husband said softly. “I know how it feels to try to stay away from the person you care about, and I know how it always ends. But remember, none of this has to happen so long as you don’t try to take Alexander away from me.”

Maryse nodded slowly, her eyes never leaving Robert as he walked out of the cabin with one last promise to accept the divorce offer when the papers reached him. Luke glanced at them sadly for a second longer before following his friend, leaving Maryse alone with her best friend. Alone with Jocelyn in their cabin, for the first time in months.

Robert was right, there was no way in hell the two of them were going to stay away from each other, even though it was what they should do, even though it was the safest option. There was no way they were going to do that, because Maryse’s hands always itched to be around Jocelyn’s waist, and her lips always craved Jocelyn’s, to the point where she could barely focus on anything else, sometimes.

“You know he doesn’t have to be right,” Jocelyn said, stepping closer to Maryse and making the brunette’s heart beat wildly. “We could keep doing what we’ve been doing so far. We were best friends long before we were lovers, and we could continue being best friends until it’s safe for us to be seen together. We don’t have to get back together.”

“But you want to, don’t you?” Maryse breathed out, smiling sadly when Jocelyn nodded, looking like she was ashamed of herself for even _thinking_ something like that. “And I want to as well. What we’ve been doing for the past few months was a temporary fix, Joce, and not one we can keep up for much longer. I can barely breathe when you’re in the same room as me, since I’m so busy trying not to touch you, not to hold you close to me, not to do _something_. I know I’m the one who suggested we should stay apart, but Raziel, I didn’t expect it to be this…”

“Hard?” Jocelyn chuckled mirthlessly. “Yeah, I didn’t either. I thought it would be fine, since we had been friends for so long before our relationship started, but it was never going to be ‘normal’ again. These past three months have been torture, Maryse. You’ve been right here at arm’s length, and yet I knew I couldn’t do anything, not if I wanted us to have a chance in the future.”

“It’s been tearing me apart from the inside,” Maryse admitted, raising her hand to her heart as though she could still remember how painful it had been. And in a way, she could. She could still remember how hard it had been for her to breathe when she had come back from her extended leave only to see Jocelyn, stomach distended but looking as beautiful as ever. “Robert was right about one thing. Love always wins, especially when the love is as intense as the one we share. If you want me to stay away, if you want us to stick to our first plan and wait until my divorce, I will, but Joce…”

“That’s the last thing I want and we both know it,” Jocelyn shook her head, stepping right into Maryse’s personal space and letting her hands rest lightly on the brunette’s shoulders. “Valentine has never caught us before, and there’s no reason for him to do so now. We might have to be careful until my son’s birth, but other than that… Other than that, we should be together. There’s a war going on, Maryse, and no number of plans can counter the fact that our jobs are dangerous. We could die at any given moment, and I don’t want to lay dead on the ground and have my last thought be that I never took my chance to get back with you and shower you with love.”

“And when the time comes…” Maryse breathed out.

“When the time comes, I’ll run away to the mundane world with you and Alexander, leaving both Valentine and Robert behind none the wiser,” Jocelyn whispered, leaning even closer to Maryse. “I’ll make sure they can never find you, and then I’ll hide us in plain sight, close enough that it’ll make them seethe when they finally realise we were there all along.”

“And we’ll be together,” Maryse murmured. “It’ll be the two of us and our family against the rest of the world. Which sounds a lot more terrifying now that I said it out loud. Raziel, I can’t believe we’re doing this. I can’t believe we’re even thinking about doing this. And yes- _Yes_ , I know this was my idea in the first place, but I didn’t- I don’t. It’s going to happen so fast, Jocelyn, I can just feel it.”

“The infamous event might still be a while away,” Jocelyn pointed out, but they both knew that wasn’t what Maryse was referring to. They both knew the real reason why they had asked Luke to be the one to murder Valentine, and it had more to do with opportunity than the bond he shared with the other man. “We might still have years.”

“That’s a lie and we both know it,” Maryse said, caressing her best friend’s cheek gently and wondering if it would be terribly out of place for her to kiss Jocelyn only minutes after deciding they should start up their liaison again. “Even if the event is two or three years away, we’ll be long gone by then. There’s no way I’m letting you stay with that man for longer than strictly necessary. You’ll try for a second child and, the second he does something strange to your body or the baby, we’ll get the hell out of here, Alexander in our arms.”

“Sounds like a dream,” Jocelyn smiled. “Alexander is a wonderful boy, you know? I’ve never met a boy quite as sweet as him, and he truly seems to like me, which is great news, considering what the future holds for us.”

“Of course he loves you,” Maryse huffed. As though her children would feel anything other than adoration for Jocelyn, given the stories Maryse told Alexander about the redhead. “All our children will love you.”

“Our children,” Jocelyn hummed. “I like the sound of that. How many do you think we should have? Alexander, my second child, maybe a second child for you… Any others? I don’t recall ever asking you about how many children you wanted to have, but I always assumed you would want a rather big family.”

“You’re certainly not wrong,” Maryse chuckled, thinking about the dozens of children she had dreamed of having when she was younger. “Maybe a fourth child. Four seems like a good number, don’t you think?”

“It sounds like the perfect number,” Jocelyn answered, pointedly not looking down at her stomach and the baby already waiting for them right there.

Neither of them mentioned the fact that they would probably be leaving this child behind, not wanting to pour salt onto Jocelyn’s open wounds. She would always love her son, Maryse knew, but it would never be in the same way Maryse loved Alexander. Jonathan would have his father for as long as Valentine lived, but there was no telling whether he would have his mother. So really, Maryse knew the chances of Jocelyn’s son being their fourth child were slim.

“Well then,” Maryse smiled. “Plan C it is. Now, are we going to stay here staring at each other forever, or do you want to do something a little more proactive? Not that I don’t love looking at your lovely eyes, but I had other things in mind for our afternoon, and they include a little less talking than what’s been going on so far.”

“Oh, you had _plans_ , did you?” Jocelyn asked, taking a step away from Maryse and grinning when the brunette followed, pressing their bodies flush together again. “And here I was, thinking you weren’t sure we were even going to get back together. You’re awfully confident for someone who was telling me she didn’t want to get caught just a few minutes earlier.”

“What can I say?” Maryse shrugged, smiling sharply when Jocelyn backed away again, slowly but surely leading them towards the cabin’s bed. “Love makes me do stupid things from time to time, especially when it comes to a redhead with enchanting eyes and a ridiculously beautiful smile. I never stood a chance against her and her endless wooing.”

“My endless wooing?” Jocelyn giggled. “I think you’re talking about yourself, love. I’ve never been the one to do the flirting in this relationship, no matter how hard I’ve tried to fluster you with my words.”

“You don’t need to fluster me with your words,” Maryse pointed out, grabbing onto Jocelyn’s shirt and bodily pushing her onto the bed, beaming when Jocelyn’s breath hitched at the sight of Maryse standing over her, her fingers hovering over her shirt’s buttons. “You fluster me just fine with your body and your actions, after all. But trust me, we both do plenty of wooing, whether you’re aware of it or not. Now, do you want to keep talking, or do you want to- _hmph_!”

Maryse moaned as her body came into contact with Jocelyn’s, her heart speeding up as finally – _finally_ – Jocelyn pressed their lips together in a tender embrace. She had been craving this touch for months, so much so that she had been afraid she wouldn’t remember how to kiss Jocelyn anymore. Thankfully, it seemed her body had provided her with a wonderful muscle memory, and they fell into bed together as though they had never stopped.

They kissed and nipped and explored each other’s skin, and Maryse let the beauty of the moment wash over her as they pleasured each other in all the best ways. She had missed this almost as much as she had missed holding her lover’s hand, almost as much as she missed their good morning kisses and cuddles. As Jocelyn held her closer and let her fingers bring her closer and closer to ecstasy, she let a tear roll down her cheek, let herself mourn all the time they had lost and dream about all the moments they would get to enjoy in the future.

And when she came down from it all, breathing heavily and daydreaming about the day when she would no longer have to hide all of this, she held onto Jocelyn tightly, letting their breaths mingle as they calmed down and huddled for warmth on the small bed.

“I missed you,” Jocelyn whispered, and Maryse could only nod, pressing their lips together again. She wasn’t sure she trusted her voice not to embarrass her and, even though she knew Jocelyn would never mock her for being overwhelmed by sex, she still wasn’t sure she wanted to speak. “I know I’ve said it already, but I truly did. You mean the world to me, Maryse, and I don’t think I realised how much I took our relationship for granted until you left me. I always thought I would be the one to leave you, so hearing you ask for a break hit me harder than I could have ever anticipated. I was selfish with my feelings, but I promise I never will be again. I’ll love you so much you won’t know what to do with all my overflowing emotions.”

“I’ve never known what to do with your overflowing emotions,” Maryse chuckled, her voice as hoarse as she thought it would be. “But it’s never bothered me, and it’s not going to start bothering me now. I think we both needed this break, Joce. I think we both needed some time to realise that what we were doing was what we really wanted. I think we needed the reminder that, although we have husbands and the promise of a perfect family right there for us to take advantage of, we loved each other too much to live through a lifetime of contentment.”

“Contentment could never cut it now that I know what happiness feels when I’m with you,” Jocelyn agreed, chuckling when Maryse scrunched her face up at the overdose of sappiness. “Oh come on, you’re the one who started this, love. You can’t bring up love and our future and our family and expect me to _not_ say anything right back at you.”

“I just didn’t think it would be this bad,” Maryse sniffed, even though _bad_ was the last word on her mind. “Now, that’s enough feelings for one day, I think. What do you say we stop by the faerie clearing? We could spend a few hours together there, just enjoying each other’s company and making friends as we always do.”

“Forget all about Valentine and plans and everything else we’ve been talking about today?” Jocelyn asked, sitting up in the bed and poking Maryse in the sides until the brunette grumbled and got up. “As if I could ever say no to that.”

They left the cabin behind less than fifteen minutes later, squealing as they chased after each other, running deeper and deeper into the woods and letting the moment wash over them. Maryse couldn’t remember the last time she had felt this happy outside of the time she spent with Alexander.

She still thought her time apart from Jocelyn had done her some good, but she also knew she would never go through that again if she could avoid it. There were certain things in life she didn’t want to deny herself any longer, and Jocelyn Fairchild was one of them.

That afternoon, she lost herself in faerie songs, flower crowns, and the promise of a future with the woman she loved as well as their four perfect children.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heya guys! Thank you so much for reading! I apologise for the slightly shorter than usual chapter, especially since this isn't my favourite one so far >.< However, I felt like we needed some insight into Valentine and Robert's side of things, and I especially needed to build up to the final part of this fic, which will greatly benefit from these little scenes with the men. Hope you still enjoyed it!
> 
> Love, Junie.

**Author's Note:**

> (find me on tumblr @hopesilverheart)


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